The Dutch John Wayne: Jaap Van Ballegooijen

Posted by Rocky at 6/4/2007 9:12 AM
Categories: uncategorized


Hello Rocky,

I keep seeing Shell Oil commercials telling me Jaap Van Ballegooijen has a problem.  What's his story and what can I do to help?

Dwayne Dolphin
Lynn, MA


Rocky Responds:

You must watch Jaap's story here.  It's an updated version of "The Green Berets."  Jaap plays the John Wayne part of the white man stuck in a lush Asian locale fighting for Western Civilization.  Only instead of trying to kill the Viet Cong, Jaap is trying to find oil.   Kim Mahal, a smart, attractive Asian woman shows up at the Shell offices.  She looks like the girl from "Bend it like Beckham" and she plays the David Janssen role of the cynical reporter.

Right away you wonder if these two will hit the sheets in what would be the most age-inappropriate lovemaking since "Blame it on Rio."

Jaap takes Kim on a tour.   He drives her through villages full of happy peasants and points out how it all use to be swampland.  She carps about how "nothing stands in the way of progress" but Jaap fires right back, "Just like facts shouldn't get in the way of a good story."  It's steamy the way that they verbally and mentally undress each other.  But then, as they are stuck behind a herd of water buffalo, Jaap's teenage son Max calls from an Amsterdam grundge bar.  Max is clearly going down the wrong path because he is missing a father figure.  Jaap, instead of understanding, barks at Max when he realizes how late it is back there.  Max hangs up on his dad.

Jaap then gets Kim on a helicopter and they tour some offshore rigs.  The rich production values and soaring music are evocative of "Jurassic Park."  Jaap explains the problem: lots of little pockets of oil that they can't get to.  Economic and environmental concerns keep them from putting an oil rig over every little puddle.  The tour ends and suddenly Kim is nice and all Gandhi-like, advising Jaap to get some distance and clear his head to get over his "writer's block."

Cut to: Amsterdam, morning.  Jaap buys a coffee and a Red Bull and joins Max on a park bench.  Max wants to stay angry with his dad and he knocks what Jaap does for a living.  Jaap points out that without oil there would be no way for trucks to bring the kid his Red Bull.  Then he takes Max to an ice cream parlor for a milk shake.  This is the payoff scene.  To get the last bits of his milkshake, Max bends his flexi-straw and turns it upside so he can suck the shake off of the side of the glass.  Jaap realizes that an oil rig that bends like that straw is the answer to his problems.  Conceivably, Jaap could have had the same epiphany as he crooked his finger this way and that while answering Kim's carnal desires, but having the solution unfold the way it did is more family-friendly. 

So to answer your question, Dwayne, The HelloRocky Team advises you to not worry about Jaap.  Rest easy knowing he is on the job, bending oil rigs like Beckham in order to keep our cars full of petrol and our homes warm and toasty.






    



  

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