Hello Rocky Petralia

The Couch Potato's Best Actor Award

Rocky — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 19:30:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

Suppose you had to watch five movies in a row that contain the same actor, who would you pick? My buddy and I were arguing about who has the best roster of films. He picked Al Pacino and chose Godfather, Godfather II, Scarface, Donnie Brasco and Glengarry Glen Ross. I'd rather watch Jack Nicholson in Easy Rider, Chinatown, The Shining, A Few Good Men, and The Departed. I win, right?

Jerry Steinbrink
Yonkers, NY

Rocky Responds:

Nicholson edges out Pacino, but both men get blown out of the water by the late Bruno Kirby. His fave-five are a Couch Potato's Dream Team:

1. Godfather Part II
2. This is Spinal Tap
3. When Harry Met Sally
4. Good Morning Vietnam
5. City Slickers

Bruno Kirby as young Mr. Clemeza

Is John McCain a Maverick?

Rocky — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 15:45:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

Is John McCain really a maverick? How does he compare to other mavericks?

Louis Terracciano
Coney Island, NY

Rocky Responds:

If you mean is McCain, as defined by Webster, "an unorthodox or independent-minded person," then sure, he's a maverick." I mean, most men would stay with a wife who was on the mend from a devastating car crash. McCain looked around and found a frat house dream girl: tall, blond and a beer heiress. Dude!

Most men who finish college 894th in a class of 899 would stay away from your skilled occupations, like jet pilot. Not McCain the maverick.

Most Senators caught red-handed in the Keating Five scandal would resign in disgrace. In fact, 4 out of 5 did. They were not mavericks.

Most men running for President on a platform of reform wouldn't put lobbyists who made millions at Fannie and Freddie in charge of their campaign. A maverick would.

So yes, McCain is a maverick, but in a cheesy way. We would rate the maverick pantheon as follows:

1. Bret Maverick - Professional poker player. The coolest man in the saloon.

2. Bart Maverick - Bret's brother. Almost as cool - the Eli Manning of the Old West.

3. Dallas Maverick Dirk Nowitzki - 2006-07 NBA MVP. The hippest German since Henry the Lion.

4. Ford Maverick (top of page) - Big drop off from Nowitzki. This quirky fastback manufactured in America from 1969-77.

5. Lt. Pete "Maverick" Mitchell - Shitty US Navy pilot who buzzed flight towers, boozed it up, killed his flight engineer, Goose, in a routine training exercise, and temporarily froze up in a battle with Russian Migs over the Indian Ocean. Worse, he throws like a girl.

6. John McCain - Another shitty US Navy pilot. Too stupid to use sunscreen. Crashed two jets before being sent to Vietnam, where he was promptly shot down by a rice farmer. Worse, throws craps like a girl.

Bin Laden's Driver

Rocky — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 21:40:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

I was watching my news ticker and I saw that they captured Bin Laden's driver. I didn't know that bastard even played golf. Any idea what kind of a game he has?

Cindi Meharg
Denver, CO

Rocky Responds:

Before 9/11, when Osama was getting in a lot of rounds at a muni near Kabul, he was down to a 3 handicap, although his regular foursome was known for their asrak aswads (mulligans) and for conceding long putts with the declaration of Masha'allah (God's will).

Bin Laden at the 1999 alMaktaba team championships.

In recent years, however, he has been unable to get in any rounds of golf, but has been known to practice during his brief forays from his many caves. He's pretty much limited to using his sand wedge and has been known to abandon his other clubs in the face of allied bombing runs.

It was in the aftermath of one such attack that Army Rangers found Osama's driver, a Callaway Warbird with a 46 inch shaft and 11 degrees of loft.

Dr. Edgar Mitchell - "Aliens are Real"

Rocky — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 15:43:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

I thought you were a kook when I read your alien theories, but now NASA veteran Dr. Edgar Mitchell admits to a six-decade long government cover-up. Where do we go from here?

Denham Harman, MD
Fort Lauderdale, FL

Rocky Responds:

Sit tight. One of the last acts of President Bush will be to disclose proof that we are being visited. And it will help explain why he has been such a crappy President: "This spending bill y'all sent me is a waste of taxpayer money, full of earmarks and pork and...aw shoot, what does it matter when we got them aliens flying around. I aint got no hankerin' to start vetoin' now."

Chicago Cubs, Steve Bartman and the $25K Autograph

Rocky — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 23:12:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

Is this the year the Cubs finally win the World Series?

Jennifer Latwis
Skokie, IL

Rocky Responds:

Screw the Cubs! Until they make good with Steve Bartman, I don't want to hear about the "Cubbies" or their long-suffering, semi-employed fans.

All Bartman did in the 2003 NCLS was catch a foul ball that a lollygagging Moises Alou may or may not have had a play on. That's what fans do when a ball comes their way- they reach for it. In the same seats, Harry Carey himself would have thrust his meaty palms towards the ball, though he would have missed and landed on the field, splitting open like a beer-pinata.

All the scorn and vitriol that the city continues to heap on Mr. Bartman is a toddling-town travesty.

Until they have "Bartman Day" at Wrigley Field, where Steve throws out the first pitch AND leads in singing "Take Me Out To The Ballgame," The HelloRocky Team's favorite ball club will be whoever is playing the Cubs.

The good news for Bartman is that SportsBuy.com is offering him $25,000 to show up at a memorabilia show next weekend in Chicago and sign one autograph.

"No one in sports memorabilia history has ever been paid $25,000 to sign one autograph – not Michael Jordan, Muhammad Ali, Joe DiMaggio, Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, or any other athlete,” said Mike Berkus, co-Executive Director of The National.
“All Steve has to do is show up, prove he is in fact the real Steve Bartman – not some earphone-wearing imposter – and he’ll move to the top of the autograph value list,” said Wesley Hein, CEO of SportsBuy.com."

We hope Steve shows up, signs the photo, takes the money and then addresses the Chicago media in the only way that makes sense:

<

My Young Girlfriend has an Old Soul

Rocky — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 15:29:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

I am 54 and I recently started dating a 22 year old woman. Soon she's going to start meeting my friends and family. No doubt some will disapprove, but I've heard it might help to tell people she has an "old soul." What exactly is an "old soul," and do you think I can get any traction from this strategy?

Frank Bova
Jacksonville, FL

Rocky Responds:

It's funny how those old souls always come attached to young thighs.

You're right, Frank, that "some will disapprove," if by "some" you mean every woman over thirty (and God help the husband whose wife hears him ask, "what's the big deal as long as they're both happy?")

While your gal pals work hard to look like young women, they are very judgmental if you are actually attracted to young women. It's tough to overcome that dichotomy. It would be like McDonald's coming after you for choosing to eat real meat someplace else.

"This arrest, man, is totally McBogus."

You can use the "old soul" defense but please do your homework first. Read Michael Newton's "Journey of Souls" and learn the past life regression buzzwords. Tell your people that in hypnosis you found in a past life your girlfriend was the husband and you were the abused wife. Tell the gals, "I guess that's why I've always been so sensitive to women's issues." They'll gobble this up like Häagen-Dazs.^® They'll even understand if they find out that you "play rough" with her. Karmic loose ends, like your girlfriend, need to be tied up.

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Jesse Jackson Performs the Nutcutter Suite

Rocky — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 20:37:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

Do I need to worry about Jesse Jackson cutting off Barack Obama's nuts?

Richard Levangie
Lunenburg, Nova Scotia

Rocky Responds:

Don't worry, Rich. Rev. Jackson's comments are just the ramblings of a frustrated old whiner, himself politically neutered and ideologically impotent.

The bigger concern is how this recent gaffe will drudge up memories of Jackson's old attack on New York City, when he called it "Hymie Town," and how that outburst split the country in two, pitting those who think that robotic spies have too much influence in NYC versus those who love and admire Dick Gautier.

Senator Dodd - Prison Bound?

Rocky — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 20:36:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

I'm feeling way too mellow right now. Can you give me a reason to be angry?

Martin R. Melone
Ojai, CA

Rocky Responds:

Sure. Senator Chris Dodd of Connecticut.

The pompous dunderbutt just crafted a bill to provide $300 billion in taxpayer loan guarantees to Countrywide Financial Corp. and others. While this was going on it was revealed that Dodd was on the "Friends of Angelo" list, refering to Countrywide CEO Angelo Mozilo, and Dodd, along with Senator Kent Conrad, received Countrywide mortgages at below market rates that saved them each thousands of dollars a year.

The pathetic thing about Senator Dodd is the way he was blasting Countrywide in public for contributing to the real estate crisis. The HelloRocky Team hasn't seen such two-faced behavior since we last watched Casablanca:

The money those senators saved should count as gifts that exceed Senate Ethics rules. Beyond that, accepting those special rates while average Americans struggle to keep their homes violates the rules of decent human behavior.

What should really make you angry is that, while Senators Dodd and Conrad should either resign or be expelled from the Senate, and jail time should loom as a serious possibility for both men, nobody in Washington (except for these loons) wants to make an issue out of this. The stench runs so deep through both parties that they just want this issue to go away.

Hurricane Forecasters Suck

Rocky — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 06:12:11 GMT

Hello Rocky,

The experts have released their forecast for the coming hurricane season. These clowns are never right. Are there any other careers out there where you can make a nice living jerking people around?

Brenda Feigen
Rancho Palos Verdes, CA

Rocky Responds:

Sure, Brenda, although the Weather Center crew deserves special recognition for positioning themselves as "People of Science" even though they abuse the scientific method the way these guys abuse spandex.

Here are three other gigs that are devoid of accountability:

1. Astrologist - Although maybe I shouldn't pick on astrology right now, since I am a Gemini and Mercury has been retrograde since May 26, meaning that I will be error-prone until the planet goes direct again on June 19th.

2. Director, Rehab Center - Put somebody in a dorm room for a month and bill them $30k. If they relapse when they get out it's their own fault - they didn't join AA, work the 12-step program and attend daily meetings. We love that business model. In fact, the HelloRocky Team is going to start a fitness camp. You will get in shape as long as you tender us a huge check and, when you leave, promise to join a gym and work out for 90 minutes a day.

3. Life Coach - Life coaches help clients identify and pursue personal goals. How? By asking clients what their personal goals are and then telling them to work towards those goals.

This sample should help get you thinking of other examples. Let me know what you come up with.

Vatican Says Aliens May Exist

Rocky — Wed, 21 May 2008 15:47:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

What do you make of the Vatican announcing that space aliens may exist? It freaks me out.

George Wehrfritz
Hong Kong

Rocky Responds:

This is intriguing. The HelloRocky science intern claims to have seen this coming, musing "For years priests have been suggesting to young parishioners that it is 'time to explore Uranus.'"

But the rest of the HelloRocky team senses the Vatican is preparing us for an even bigger announcement, one that will overshadow all of the speculation wrought by The Da Vinci Code. We have obtained a photo from the ongoing restoration of Da Vinci's Last Supper currently taking place in Milan. At first nothing seemed out of place - until something that should have been obvious was pointed out to us:

The taller alien has breasts!

So dark the con of man.

Prescription Drugs Rock

Rocky — Sun, 18 May 2008 17:48:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

I am bombarded with ads telling me to "ask my doctor" if drugs are right for me. Can I ask you instead?

Valerie Jarret
Skokie, IL

Rocky Responds:

Sure. Drugs are right for you. Drugs are in. Exercise, vitamins and self-awareness are relics of the 90's.

To get you started, here are some favorites of the HelloRocky Intern:

Vytorin - Merck and Schering-Plough finally released a study that shows this $5 billion pill doesn't actually do anything. But we still recommend Vytorin as a "gateway" to pills that can really mess you up.

Vioxx - Reduces inflammation and pain. Also causes heart attacks. Merck was aware of the dangers of Vioxx for several years. But instead of pulling the drug off the market the company chose to suppress this information and even designed new studies to conceal the heart attack risk. We are fans of Merck for their jumbo balls.

Celebrex - See Vioxx (above). Substitute Pfizer for Merck.

Crestor - Designed to lower cholesterol, Crestor has been proven to cause muscle and kidney damage. As a bonus, it also triggers memory loss. And, although your cholesterol will go down, you'll still have the same incidence of heart attack and death.

Paxil - Glaxo withheld studies confirming that patients under 18 had a higher risk of suicidal behaviour if they were treated with Paxil than if they received a placebo. And Paxil is prescribed as an anti-depressant. You go, Glaxo!

To learn more and to enjoy some "feel-good" graphics check out the Pharmaceutical company websites:

Pfizer

Merck

Schering-Plough

Mortgage Meltdown - Silver Lining?

Rocky — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 17:36:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

You seem like a positive person. Is anything good coming out of America's housing crisis?

Hale Dwoskin
Sedona, AZ

Rocky Responds:

You bet. Realtor note pads are back:

During the boom years, real estate agents got complacent. Who can blame them? They'd snare a listing then watch the competing bids roll in like tsunamis hitting Phuket island.

Realtors feasted. Now they nibble on a steady diet of reality soup:

They've gone back to rolling up their sleeves and pounding the pavement.

And once again they are dropping note pads on our doorsteps. The HelloRocky Team uses these pads for shopping lists and jotting down messages from cranky creditors. The HelloRocky Intern pointed out that the pads have the gravitas that you can't get with a Post-It.

Our favorite note pad, courtesy of The Zakhar Team at Regency Real Estate Brokers, is extra wide and laid out in a "Things to Do" format, complete with boxes for checking off completed tasks. While it's easy to get caught up in the negative vibe of an economic meltdown, Hale, we think America will battle through the malaise thanks to the return of the note pads. It's physically impossible to be sad at the same time that you're making a list.

Vatican Adds New Sins

Rocky — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 19:53:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

So now the Vatican is expanding its list of sins. Why can't we stick to the original seven deadly ones? This "sin inflation" strikes me as another hokey attempt to boost Confession's sagging attendance.

Kellie Macaloon
Detroit, MI

Rocky Responds:

A good governing body knows that rules need to change with the times, Kellie. The HelloRocky Team gives props to the NBA for adding the three-point shot, the NFL for its two-point conversion, and to Who Want's to be a Millionaire for adding that 4th lifeline.

If the Pope wants to add a couple of laws that make the world a little less fun, so be it. Isn't that the reason, after all, that they gave the job to a German?

Our only hope is that at the same time that they add these new no-nos, they also think about dropping one or two of the old sins, like Pride, for example. We worry about all the yokels with their "Proud To Be An American" bumper stickers, driving down the turnpike not realizing that they're actually on the highway to hell.

Our proposal to the Vatican: Go ahead and add human cloning to your list, but drop Pride and seriously consider getting rid of Sloth (the sin, not the animal).

"Whew."

Ask.com Makeover

Rocky — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 15:30:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

I read that one of your competitors, Ask.com, is laying off 40 employees. It is also reinventing itself as the place where married women and mothers go for lifestyle solutions. How does this affect HelloRocky.com? Is your business model up for review?

Keith Caramelli
Austin, TX

Rocky Responds:

First of all, we decided early on that having a HelloRocky "business model" was a good way to paint ourselves into a corner, so from inception we've been freewheelin' it across the vast topography of the internet.

Second, the HelloRocky Team has never suffered through layoffs. There are no downsizing plans. In fact, we continue to converse with many of the applicants who want to be a part of our future growth.

Finally, Ask.com brought on their own problems when they fired Jeeves. He was with the organization from day one, loyal and steadfast. The Board soured on Jeeves because, in the words of one director, he "never actually did anything." Which is untrue, of course. Posing for portraits and photo shoots is hard work, though seldom appreciated by those who have never spent a day under the photographer's hot lights. True, Jeeves never wrote code or debugged software, but that's what Asians are for.

Jeeves ultimate ouster, insiders tell me, was triggered by his fondness for riding his Segway through the executive suites and challenging the suits to "ask me something." Exasperated, they asked him to leave.

2008 Oscar Picks

Rocky — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 21:32:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

The Academy Awards are coming up. Which film should win for Best Picture?

Lally Weymouth
Summit, NJ

Rocky Responds:

I'll rank the five nominees for you, Lally:

Fifth Place: Atonement. Like Titanic without the iceberg. Nothing to break up the dreary, star-crossed lovers battles with betrayal, accusations and villains in tuxedos.

Fourth Place: Juno. A perfectly decent comedy that deserves to be ranked among the best movies of the year (although some members of the HelloRocky Team don't even rank it as the best ever Ellen Page movie, remaining somewhat cultish in their admiration for Hard Candy).

Third Place: Michael Clayton. Maybe not the champ, but this film is twice as good as last year's winner The Departed. The more we think about that Scorsese turd the less we like it. Besides our already mentioned beef with all the cellphones and with everybody acting stupid when it came to figuring out who the moles were, we would like to add how preposterous it was that the same weepy broad was sleeping with both men. There are enough handsome women in Boston that Leo and Matt don't need to tag team some lonely shrink. And they could at least have made her lack of morals believable by explaining that she was from Niagara Falls (where the ladies spend more time on their backs than CPR dummies).

Second Place: No Country for Old Men. Great movie.

First Place: There Will Be Blood. Great movie. It's been a couple of months since we've seen these top two pics. Originally, we would have given the nod to No Country, but images from the powerful Blood continue to flit about our mind's cluttered attic. Daniel Day-Lewis is limping around up there drinking our milkshake. For its emotional staying power, we give the nod to There Will Be Blood.

Presidential Politics and Poker

Rocky — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 17:12:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

I read much about your American "Special Interest Groups." Are they all bad?

Alberto Moravia
Piazza del Popolo
Rome, Italy

Rocky Responds:

No Alberto, not all. The most pernicious are the pious blowhards who fight to regulate other people's behavior. They force good folks to band together in noble opposition. An example of a "good" special interest group, and one that the entire HelloRocky Team has joined, is the Poker Players Alliance (PPA), an organization dedicated to preserving the individuals right to the pursuit of happiness via internet poker.

The PPA recently sent its members summaries of the remaining presidential candidates views on internet gambling:

"Hillary Clinton:

The two-term senator from New York won the New Hampshire Democratic primary. She has recently expressed that she supports the industry’s position: to study Internet gambling to see whether it can be fairly regulated so that individuals can safely participate in it and American businesses can compete in the international market (Las Vegas Sun, 01/18/08).

Barack Obama:

The senator is from Illinois and winner of the Iowa Democratic caucus. Obama has recently expressed that he worries that the Internet is "a Wild West of illegal activity", and supports a study of Internet gambling and supports regulation to address the worst abuses (Las Vegas Sun, 01/18/08). He is reputed to be a good player, and doesn't mind letting it be known that he enjoys playing poker for money. These stories are even on his own website.

Mike Huckabee:

Republican Iowa caucus winner and former Arkansas governor, Mike Huckabee does have a clear position OPPOSING Internet Poker. Mike Huckabee responded to the National Coalition Against Legalized Gambling's questionnaire (the only candidate to respond, by the way). In it, he promised to veto any legislation repealing UIGEA or otherwise clearly legalizing online gaming.

John McCain:

The New Hampshire Republican primary winner does not have a specific position on Internet poker, but does appear to have been influenced by his fellow Arizona Senator Jon Kyl, who is a vigorous opponent of our rights. McCain, however, has always been willing to consider both sides of an issue and may simply need to know how strongly PPA members feel about this issue.

Ron Paul:

In keeping with his Libertarian philosophy, Congressman Paul is a proud supporter of our cause. Rep. Paul has supported and sponsored pro-poker legislation, and has also made time to visit with PPA grassroots members, poker celebrities, and citizens lobbyists every time we have asked. His credentials on allowing adults the freedom to play poker are unblemished.

Mitt Romney:

The former governor of Massachusetts has no formal position on internet poker. However, he - like Giuliani - has contorted his issue positions wildly in a bid to gain support from social conservatives. As part of that effort, Romney tapped Tom Coates, Vice President, Truth About Gambling, Iowa, to his "Faith and Values Steering Committee." Coates, in turn, is vigorously opposed to gaming of any sort. "

Thomas Jefferson once wrote that, "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed..."

And if you read between the lines, Alberto, it says, "Mike Huckabee can kiss my colonial ass."

Poker: bad. Killing a family of migrating birds: Huckabee-licious.

Live Blogging the Democratic Debate

Rocky — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 04:19:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

When are you going to start Live Blogging?

Corky Pollan
New York, NY

Rocky Responds:

I've been Live Blogging for years, Corky, usually at the behest of other sites. My latest assignment was tonight, when I Live Blogged the Democratic debate for my friend Nate over at ObamaFest.com.

Check it out and let me know what you think.

UFOs Over Texas

Rocky — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 20:26:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

What do you make of the rash of UFO sightings in Texas?

Jeffrey Alan Schechter
Cheviot Hills, CA

Rocky Responds:

After pulling together the entire HelloRocky Team, we decided not to comment on the situation in Texas other than to ask, "Doesn't anybody in that fucking state own a camera?"

We took our lumps last year when we spotlighted the reports that came out of Chicago. Both United Airlines and the U.S. Government were caught lying about the incident. After we pointed this out, strange things began happening around the HelloRocky offices. Cellphone calls were mysteriously dropped. Our internet service slowed down. Worst of all, our intern quit, ostensibly to take a paying job with Google, though she admitted that she felt like "the vibe" here had changed.

So if anybody in Texas is bright enough to capture a photo of a mile long airship, please email it to editor@hellorocky.com. Until then, we'll be focused on more earthly concerns, like how to get our pension money out of a speculative multi-layered sub-prime real estate trust.

Update 1/23/08: This story won't go away. So today the military reversed itself and said, "Come to think of it, we did have fighter jets training that night." Oooookay.

Britney Spears Meltdown - Should I Watch?

Rocky — Fri, 04 Jan 2008 16:28:00 GMT

"This is how I roll, bitch."

Hello Rocky,

Is it wrong for me to follow the travails of Britney Spears? I feel like I'm as bad as the paparazzi when I watch TMZ or buy The Enquirer. But I can't look away. What should I do?

Brian K. Watanabe
Salt Lake City, UT

Rocky Responds:

Don't look away, Brian. Britney Spears is genius masquerading as madness. When a headline like today's, " Intoxicated Spears Taken To Hospital" flashes across our monitors, the HelloRocky Team marvels at just how diabolically clever she has become.

Britney Spears is going to single-handedly topple the Paparazzi Industrial Complex and they don't even realize it. They sit there like the old Soviet Union, smug and powerful, while she quietly cuts off their balls, harnessing all the best qualities of Ronald Reagan, Charlie Wilson and John Rambo.

She's doing it through Escalation.

Once upon a time the paparazzi stock in trade was the simple "celebrity leaving restaurant and getting in car" photo. Those are worthless since Britney raised the bar with " celebrity exiting car while exposing vagina."

Remember how "celebrity giving the finger" use to be news? That's so last century now that " celebrity attacking car with umbrella" is in play.

And celebrity babies? Screw celebrity babies, unless they're being driven loose on their mother's lap or forgotten on the roof of the Range Rover.

Britney Spears has created a paparazzi bubble that is as inflated as any tech stock or real estate bubble that this country has ever seen. And it's already starting to pop. The National Enquirer just ran photos of presidential candidate John Edwards pregnant mistress, all stretched out and mopey. America greeted the issue with a collective "is that all you got?" Show us the birth, dude, from the crowning to the slap on the ass, and then maybe we'll give a hoot.

Britney has set the bar so high that when she suddenly stops acting all ape-shit crazy (and she will, at the time and place of her choosing) the celebutard industry will topple like the Berlin Wall in '89.

New Year's Eve - What To Do

Rocky — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 23:17:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

What should I do for New Year's Eve?

Lazlo Bock
Mountain View, CA

Rocky Responds:

A good trick for not botching the night is to ask yourself, "Would I be doing this if it were not New Year's Eve?"

For example:

If it were not New Year's Eve, would I stand in the freezing cold, squeezed into a crowd of drunken thugs watching a ball drop? Probably not.

Would I pay $450/night for a tattered Vegas hotel room? Doubt it.

Would I drop serious cash to see [insert name of cheesy band/decrepit singer here]? Not likely.

Drink cheap booze in large quantities until I barf? No way.

Have sex with a donkey? Maybe you want to see the donkey first, but most likely no.

So what does The HelloRocky Team advise? We've got two scenarios, Lazlo, depending on if you have a date or not.

Scenario #1 (you have a date): Take her to a nice dinner. Many of your finer restaurants have two seatings that night. You want the early one so that you're home at midnight. At home, after dinner, you surprise her with a late holiday gift, earrings or shit, and you snuggle up on the couch and watch something classy with Cary Grant.

Scenario #2 (no date): Get a bottle of bourbon, the good stuff. New Year's Eve is a fine time to drink it on the rocks (use the clean, clear ice they sell at Ralph's, not that nasty homemade ice that smells like Omaha). Settle in front of your computer and log onto one of the poker sites (we prefer PokerStars) and play in some tournaments that have a buy-in you are comfortable with. Have college football on TV with the volume down and play some of your old stuff on the stereo. Get out your vinyl if you can - ELO, Fleetwood Mac, Peter Gabriel...even Kraftwerk. You'll go to bed happy and wake up with a good attitude towards 2008.

Happy New Year.

Huckabee?

Rocky — Sun, 16 Dec 2007 18:29:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

Mike Huckabee - wtf?

Trent Way
Glassell Park, CA

Rocky Responds:

The real question: Iowa - wtf?

Why do presidential hopefuls spend two years sucking up to over subsidized, overweight, and under read Iowans? Who put the future hopes of mankind in their stubby little hands?

The HelloRocky Team went to Iowa in '04 to observe firsthand the caucus process. Our initial impression was summed up by the HelloRocky intern who declared the whole thing "so fuckin' Junior High." But as the night wore on we realized that assessment was unfair to Junior Highs.

Screw Iowa. Other than the Field of Dreams, there's no reason to spend time there. We hope that Huckabee and Kucinich win the caucuses and, as their campaigns implode in cooler thinking states, America wonders why it ever gave a shit about Iowa in the first place.

Ron Paul Update

Rocky — Wed, 12 Dec 2007 18:12:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

What's the latest on Ron Paul?

Karen Tapia-Andersen
Van Nuys, CA

Rocky Responds:

He has a blimp:

Larry Craig - The George Costanza of American Politics

Rocky — Mon, 03 Dec 2007 16:46:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

Larry Craig is not gay. A whole bunch of men have had sex with Larry Craig.

Trying to reconcile these competing ideas makes my cranium throb.   What should I do?

Simon Sebag Montefiore
London U.K.

Rocky Responds:

The HelloRocky Team is officially calling for the Senator's resignation on the grounds that America, this great and tolerant nation, is tired of being asked to picture Larry Craig naked.   C'mon already!

If the Senator wants us to believe that he is not gay, fine. We'll even provide Mr. Craig with some intellectual cover fire, pointing out that we've eaten soy burgers even though we're not vegetarians.

As for the sex in airport restrooms, well, what's a bored traveler to do? Personally, we prefer to pass the time reading a magazine or sipping a cocktail. But if the Senator suffered eyestrain from a failed attempt to read the Patriot Act, and if he wasn't thirsty, why not let him fall back to his "Plan C," which was sweaty man-on-man sex in a filthy bathroom stall?

Yet the divisiveness fostered by Senator Craig's behavior means it is time to close this chapter. Narrow-mindedness is pitted against wide-stanciness.   The cyber generation, with its Facebook and Linked-In networking is pitted against the old-school custom of exchanging paper business cards while taking a crap.

Finally, the idea of announcing to the world that you are resigning, and then continuing to show up for work like it was all a jest, is a little too Seinfeldian for our tastes.

In fact, that is the main reason Senator Craig must go - he has become the George Costanza of American Politics. Final proof, from Wikipedia:

He (George) has an affinity for anything related to restrooms. In one episode, he quits his real estate job solely because he is forbidden from using his boss's private bathroom. In another episode, he claims to have a cursory knowledge of the locations of the best bathrooms in the city. When working for the Yankees, he suggested having the bathroom stall doors stretched all the way to the floor (allowing people's legs not to be seen while in the stalls) and in many episodes he shows a fascination with toilet paper and its history. His obsession with bathrooms and bathroom related material is unexplained in the show.

Yadda yadda yadda.

Taco Bell - Menu Madness

Rocky — Wed, 14 Nov 2007 18:38:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

I went to Taco Bell for the first time. I figured I'd drive through and get a taco. But when I saw the menu I was overwhelmed - it took me like 30 seconds just to find the tacos, and there were all different kinds. I got panicky and told them I forgot my wallet and bailed. What the hell?

Rick Larsen
Sioux Falls, SD

Rocky Responds:

The Taco Bell executive team keeps finding new ways to drop the chalupa.

Heres the latest example: if you watched the baseball playoffs and World Series then you saw this commercial every half-inning - a guy telling his younger brother to "never own a lapdog, never date a women with dragon tattoos, and always, ALWAYS get chili on your Nachos Bellgrande." They spent a fortune running that spot (it's still running).

You want the kicker? They beat that message, "always, ALWAYS get chili on your nachos" into our heads even though the chili is AVAILABLE FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY! It would be like McDonalds blaring, "Always, ALWAYS order the McRib and always, ALWAYS add a Shamrock Shake."

And yes, Rick, they have too many items on their menu. Latest count: Six tacos, six burritos, three gorditas, three chalupas, three nachos, two taquitos, two quesadillas, and various wild cards like the Crunchwrap Supreme, Mexican Pizza, Enchirito, Meximelt, Fiesta Taco Salad, and Chicken and Steak Border Bowls. On top of all that, they add the Big Bell Value Menu, which includes further permutations of the dishes listed above and adds quirky things like a Caramel Apple Empanada and Cheesy Fiesta Potatoes.

It's a culinary circus, and that's not what you want from your fast food vendor. Which is too bad. The HelloRocky Team visits Taco Bell often and our favorite item is the Crunchwrap Supreme:

Not only is it delicious, it's portable - you can eat it with one hand without losing lettuce and tomatoes. It stays together, like McDonald's Quarter Pounder, instead of coming apart like the Big Mac. If Taco Bell focused more on real world solutions like the Crunchwrap, we could all think outside the bun.

Halloween Costume Ideas

Rocky — Sun, 28 Oct 2007 16:23:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

I have to go to my boss's lame Halloween party. Any suggestions for a costume that doesn't involve a lot of work?

Kyle Martin
Valentine, NE

Rocky Responds:

Slap on a tie. At the party, seat yourself in the middle of your boss's sofa. Take an especially wide stance and tell people that you are Senator Larry Craig. For extra credit, whenever somebody sits next to you, tappity-tap your foot.

Don't be afraid, however, to put a little effort into your costume. Remember that most women see Halloween as a chance to go out in public looking extra slutty. A favorite tactic is to take an innocent cultural icon and totally corrupt it, like when the HelloRocky receptionist showed up as a Girl Scout cookie girl:

When you encounter a woman of this mindset you'll want to be wearing a costume that suggests you're a kindred spirit, something that says, "I'm nice and I'm naughty, I'm vulnerable but I'm dangerous." The HelloRocky Team brainstormed and came up with the perfect rejoinder to the above costume, something we call "Tiger Underwear Gilligan":

Happy Halloween.

San Diego Swastika

Rocky — Fri, 28 Sep 2007 00:45:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

How relieved were you to hear that the Navy is going to fix the building in San Diego that, from outer space, looks like a Swastika?

Wyatt Deloney
Irvine, CA

Rocky Responds:

This story caused a rift at the Hello Rocky offices. The $600k price tag offended our CFO. "A $600k estimate means it will end up costing $1.2m" he grumbled, "to tweak something only Buzz Aldrin can see."

One of our younger staffers tried to explain Google Maps to our CFO, quoting the wire service story:

Dave vonKleist, host of "The Power Hour," a Missouri-based radio-talk show, said he wrote to military officials calling for action. "I'm concerned about symbolism," he said. "This is not the type of message America needs to be sending to the world."

We couldn't figure out exactly what message this forty-year-old barracks was sending to the world. So we decided to check. A call was put in to Giuseppe Petralia in Caltavuturo, Sicily.

gPet

After several rings:

Guiseppe: Pronto?
Rocky: Ciao! Guiseppe, this is Rocky calling from America.
Guiseppe: Ciao, Rocky! Come stai?
Rocky: Molto bene, grazie, e tu?
Guiseppe: Notta too good. I was outta front, try to fixa da car. Dat godadamma Fiat, she canna go to elle.
Rocky: Mi dispiace. Guiseppe, we are calling to see if you got the message?
Guiseppe: I no getta you message! My godadamma lazy wife, she no giva me no message!
Rocky: No the message is not from me, it's from America.
Guiseppe: (long pause) Watta da fuck?
Rocky: America, Guiseppe. There is a Navy barracks in Coronado that from outer space looks like a swastika.
Guiseppe: Watta da fuck you Navy she do in Colorado?
Rocky: Not Colorado, Coronado. It's in San Diego.
Guiseppe: San Diego. Datta make sensa.
Rocky: And there is a barracks there that looks like a swastika from outer space.
Guiseppe: And froma da ground, how she look?
Rocky: Well, like a barracks. But from outer space it looks like a swastika.
Guiseppe: Godadamma swastika. (laughing) Gooda ting Guiseppe he no go to outer space.
Rocky: So you're not upset with America?
Guiseppe: Watta da fuck? If no America, Guiseppe now speak lika German.
Rocky: So we're cool?
Guiseppe: You wasta my time, Rocky. I gotta fixa da car. My crazy wife, she no shudda up. I fixa da car now so she goa da elle away.
Rocky: Ciao, Guiseppe.
Guiseppe: Arrivederci, Rocky!

10/12/07 update: Reader Jim T. engages in that age-old pasttime of Gaucho-bashing by bringing up the layout of UC Santa Barbara's seaside dorms:

Our response: Nazis don't surf.

In Search of Happiness

Rocky — Mon, 24 Sep 2007 21:30:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

How can I be happy?

Derek Rydall
Los Feliz, CA

Rocky Responds:

The short answer: cable.

The long answer: A bag of cheese puffs and a sixer of Pabst. And cable.

The scientific answer: Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar teaches a popular course at Harvard that explains how people can craft their lives to achieve that ever-elusive state we call HAPPINESS. The seminal midlife website LifeTwo is deconstructing Dr. Ben-Shahar and his best -selling text " Happier" all this week. They've gone so far as to declare this "Happiness Week." The HelloRocky Team likes Happiness Week because it augments, rather than replaces, the regularly scheduled things that we enjoy so much - i.e. Monday Night Football, twofer Tuesday on classic rock radio, etc.

Check out LifeTwo, Derek, and turn that frown upside down.

Shout Out to Marcel Marceau

Rocky — Mon, 24 Sep 2007 04:07:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

Since hearing of the death of Marcel Marceau, I've been wondering if the art form known as mime is headed for extinction. Are there any young mimes on the horizon? I'm just thinking out loud (ironic, perhaps) but couldn't we get the NEA to fund a mime development program?

Elizabeth Harryman
Otay Mesa, CA

Rocky Responds:

I share your concerns, Elizabeth. All day long I've felt trapped in an invisible box of sadness. But this led to some clear thinking about the future of mimedom:

First off, forget the National Endowment for the Arts. They would just end up funding some white-faced guy willing to poop on a crucifix. The whole thing would come off as shamelessly derivative of a Marilyn Manson show.

Marilyn Manson mustn't mimic Marcel Marceu.

Second, the HelloRocky Team knows of hundreds of young mimes entertaining thousands of people everyday. They're not the chalk faces of yore, yet they still emote, amuse and entertain with nary a word. They dance, they mock, the laugh and they cry, and they do it in a uniquely American way that invites everyone to participate.

They are, of course, our Mascots:

Merry mascots make Marcel Marceau's memory meaningful.

Don't Taser Me, Bro!

Rocky — Wed, 19 Sep 2007 03:21:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

Did the cops cross the line when they tasered Univ. of Florida student Andrew Meyer for asking John Kerry some tough questions?

Josh Morehouse
Portland, OR

Rocky Responds,

First of all, we love the phrase, "Don't taser me, bro" so much that we asked the HelloRocky intern to register the domain donttasermebro.com. Unfortunately, a check with Networksolutions revealed that it was registered this afternoon to Ryan Lipps, whose email is rlipps@ufl.edu. Well played, young Mr. Lipps. We look forward to the t-shirt.

Secondly, the entire HelloRocky Team was troubled by this incident. While we hate to see civil rights abuses by law enforcement, we enjoy seeing people tasered. If we had our way, we'd spark those things up for solo drivers in carpool lanes, telemarketers, and people who want to vote for John Edwards because they think he cares about the little guy.

So we watched the tape a few times. There are a few tapes out there on the internet, we link to the one that allows you to hear the student's questions. This is good stuff because:

1) He recommends that Kerry read Armed Madhouse by Greg Palast. Palast is an investigative reporter who explains how the 2004 election was stolen from Kerry (listen carefully and you can hear Kerry mumble. "I've read it"). So Meyer asks, "With all this fraud going on, how can you concede on the day of the election?" A fair question, one that Kerry lamely answered for Rolling Stone in a piece they did last year that echoes Palast's claims:

Sen. John Kerry -- ''Can I draw a conclusion that they (the Republicans) played tough games and clearly had an intent to reduce the level of our vote? Yes, absolutely. Can I tell you to a certainty that it made the difference in the election? I can't. There's no way for me to do that. If I could have done that, then obviously I would have found some legal recourse.''

Moan, moan, moan. You want the 2004 election in a nutshell? Bush was Tigger and Kerry was Eeyore.

2) Meyer then asks Kerry, "If you are opposed to going in to Iran, why not impeach Bush before he goes into Iran. They impeached Clinton for a blowjob, why not impeach Bush?" I think it was the "blowjob" reference that inspired the cops to start pulling Meyer away from the mic, but not before he asked-

3) "Is it true that you and Bush are both members of the Yale secret society Skull and Bones?" And immediately his mic was cut. Long before " Fight Club," the first rule of Skull and Bones was "You do not talk about Skull and Bones." Make no mistake, this is what got Andrew tasered. Christ, we'll probably get tasered just for blogging about it, but we don't care. HelloRocky won't be intimidated by some clubby nerdfest that---

zzzZZZZTTT!!!!...

O.J. Armed Robbery - Who is Mike?

Rocky — Mon, 17 Sep 2007 15:31:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

I've been listening to the O.J. armed robbery tape and I have a question. He repeatedly yells "You think you can steal my shit and sell it?" Finally, some frightened cracker who sounds like Shaggy squeels "Mike took it" and O.J. responds, "I know fucking Mike took it."

Who is Mike, and if O.J. knows Mike took it, why is he harassing Shaggy?

John Shuff
Salt Lake City, UT

Rocky Responds:

To answer your question, the HelloRocky Team journeyed to Vegas in the Mystery Machine.

"Vegas, baby!"

Here's what we discovered:

"Mike" is Mike Farrell, the actor who played B.J. Hunnicutt on the tv show M*A*S*H.

Farrell, like O.J., has considerable financial problems. But O.J. couldn't find Mike, who, it turns out, was in Toledo playing golf with Jamie Farr. So Simpson does an end-around and storms Shaggy's room with some armed thugs.

O.J. has been watching too many movies. In all those Tarantino rip-offs, the bad guys storm the room, wave their guns around, then leave behind victims too scared to call the cops. In the real world, O.J. was not even to the elevator when the victims called 911 and said, "That idiot O.J. just ripped us off and we have it on tape."

The Nanny Diaries Review

Rocky — Thu, 06 Sep 2007 00:43:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

I'm a big Scarlett Johansson fan and I'm wondering if you have seen The Nanny Diaries yet. If so, do you give it a thumbs up?

Tom Waits
Casper, WY

Rocky Responds:

The Nanny Diaries is what Hollywood delivers after it opens its refrigerator door and ponders which picked over, half-eaten idea it will scrape the mold off of, garnish with sprigs of cynicism and serve to the world under the guise of “Today’s Special!” The staleness of this movie suggests it was stored in dirty pink Tupperware with a lid too warped to be burped.

Given her career trajectory, Scarlett Johansson’s presence here is as unexplainable as the female marsupial who abandons her safe perch, high in the pinion tree, only to be mowed down on a rutted interstate. Ms. Johansson stumbles through this film with the lost look of an Aryan vowel in search of its umlaut.

This makes Paul Giamatti the Castilian consonant bereft of a tilde. A series of roles in which he achieved critical success have not let him forget his one commercial hit: Big Momma’s House. Mr. Giammati’s return to artistic skullduggery was as easy to predict as this film critic’s return to rehab.

Laura Linney channels Mrs. Drysdale from The Beverly Hillbillies. Alicia Keys channels Monica from Friends. And Chris Evans channels Jake Ryan from Sixteen Candles. Or that rich guy in Mystic Pizza who humps Julia Roberts. Take your pick.

The Nanny Diaries has the musty familiarity of a grandmother’s attic. It is a collection of dry and brittle gags stacked liked kindling against the far wall of predictability. Alas, it would have taken but one creative spark to incinerate this project long before audiences could be asked to suffer through.

But to answer your question Tom, no, I haven't seen the movie yet.

Nobel Prize Nomination -- For Rocky?

Rocky — Thu, 23 Aug 2007 15:34:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

I am on the faculty committee at Dartmouth charged with submitting Nobel Prize nominations. Would you like to be nominated, and if so, in what category?

Constance E. Helfat
Hanover, NH

Rocky Responds:

Thanks for thinking of me, Connie. I could use some of that Swedish bling to throw in the faces of the HelloRocky Team members when they ask, "What makes you think you're so smart?"

As far as what category, here are our choices:

Physics - Chemistry - Peace - Physiology/Medicine - Economics - Literature

My best chance to win the Nobel Prize would be in Literature, specifically Poetry. I've only written one poem so far, "The Dingo Come Sniffing," and that was at the behest of Slate magazine. But already it is being hailed as a turning point for poetry, a revolutionary moment comparable to the instant when Jackson Pollack first splattered paint on canvas. The rules have been shattered, and the possibilities for what a poem can be are now infinite. Here, Connie, is my ticket to Stockholm. Send it in:

The Dingo Come Sniffing

Heartstrings once plucked pizzicato now teeter on tedium - sequestered in opaque emotional Tupperware.

Burped and sealed.

The dingo come sniffing.

A silhouette in the window. A haberdasher practiced in skulduggery.

He uses vowels without umlauts.

Her consonants lack tildes.

A marsupial leaves his tree to die on the highway.

Take me, she begs, to a wigwam with wriggle room, nowhere near anywhere.

Male mallards and female flamingos share a salty marsh.

She stretches her body. Downward facing dog transition to cobra.

He stretches the truth. Warrior one.

The llama is related to the alpaca.

Distantly.

**update 10/1/07: Rocky recently gave a powerful reading of this poem. A recording of this historic event is now available on YouTube.

Russians Claim the North Pole

Rocky — Thu, 09 Aug 2007 16:05:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

I heard that the Russians placed a flag underneath the North Pole, claiming the territory as their own.
Their purpose is to lay claim to the area, which is believed to be rich in oil and natural gas.

The territory now belongs to multiple nations, including the US, Canada, Norway, Sweden, Denmark & Russia.

Can the Russians do this?

K.B. Bubliski
Wildwood, NJ

Rocky Responds:

Sure they can. Who's going to stop them? The Canadians? The Canucks show great courage when they encounter curious little harp seal puppies:

But those clubs won't work so well against Victor-III class nuclear attack submarines.

Denmark, Norway and Sweden? I think Russian destroyers sail on no matter how much modular furniture you throw at them.

The U.S? Maybe, but why bother? If the Russians want to extract oil and gas from that God-forsaken part of the planet, let them. Greater supply hitting the world markets forces prices down. For everyone. The The HelloRocky Team says "brilliant."

Who won't say brilliant? These three gasbags:

They like being able to lease out oilfields to the highest bidders. That gives them more money to fritter away on wars and earmarks.

Trader Joe's Coming to Brooklyn

Rocky — Tue, 24 Jul 2007 17:53:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

A Trader Joe's is coming to Brooklyn. What do I need to know?

Heather Smigelsky
Brooklyn, NY

Rocky Responds:

First of all, the cheap wine that they sell is called Charles Shaw. Trader Joe staffers grow weary of first timers stumbling in and asking for Charles Schwab (except at the San Francisco TJ's, where the discount broker frequently shops -- ask for the Schwab there and they'll point you towards the well dressed man sampling hummus).

With his low commissions, call him "Eight buck Chuck"

Second, if you're entertaining with a variety of wines, lead with the cheap stuff. This runs counter to the prevailing opinion that you save the swill for later, when people are too diminished to care. HelloRocky's New York staff believes that wine tasting, like sex, should build to a satisfying crescendo. The "Two Buck Chuck" ought to be part of the lubrication process, not the climax.

The Bible supports our thesis. Everybody knows of the wedding Jesus was at that ran out of booze, and how he helped the crowd keep their drunk on by turning six drums of water into wine. But the overlooked lesson of the story is how impressed people were that the good stuff came out last, as chronicled in John 2:9-10:

When the ruler of the feast had tasted the water that was made wine, and knew not whence it was: (but the servants which drew the water knew) the governor of the feast called the bridegroom. And saith unto him, Every man at the beginning doth set forth good wine; and when men have well drunk, then that which is worse: but thou hast kept the good wine until now.

Finally, there are plenty of interesting food items at Trader Joe's. Be open minded at first, and if you end up with something that disgusts you, spit it out for chrissakes.

Trader Joe's brings a new dynamic to Brooklyn. The borough that is already home to Coney Island, Grimaldi's Pizza and Joe "Sonny" Barbato sews a new thread into its vibrant tapestry.

The "Two Buck Chuck" hangover arrives in Brooklyn.

Terrorist Chatter

Rocky — Mon, 16 Jul 2007 15:45:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

In the first couple of years after 9/11 we heard a lot of talk about terrorist "chatter" and adjusted our threat levels accordingly. These days, however, there is no mention of "chatter." This makes me nervous. What happened?

Sean Wilentz
Novato, CA

Rocky Responds:

Chatter turned out to be overrated. Collecting information by eavesdropping on phone calls and emails between suspected terrorist groups proved useful up to a point. That point was when every news outlet in the world reported that we were eavesdropping on phone calls and emails.

Another blow to Chatter was attrition: many of the early chatterers are now dead. Intelligence sources tried to overcome this by contracting the services of famed mediums James Van Praagh and Mary Ann Winkowski but with mixed results. Van Praagh milked his boilerplate shtick, saying that one voice warned him to watch out for somebody with the initials O.B.L. who is hiding in a country that starts with a "P" or an "A". Winkowski reported hearing a lot of whining from the other side about the heat, the absence of virgins, and the ritual of new arrivals forced to become the "bitches" for old timers like Nazis and Visigoths.

The HelloRocky Team expects a short term spike in Chatter with the introduction of the new Apple iPhone. Apple has modified the phone for Arabic markets by adding a "Chatter" icon (below) to the home screen. However, the CIA, working in partnership with Mossad, is formulating a strategy to "neutralize" iPhone customers who excessively use (meaning once) this button.

An Inconvenient Toot - Al Gore's Son Busted for Pot, Speeding in a Prius

Rocky — Thu, 05 Jul 2007 03:58:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

What do you make of the arrest of Al Gore III? Does this affect your prediction that Gore will be our next President?

Hardy Green
Skillman, NJ

Rocky Responds:

This story has more angles than Dennis Kucinich's ears. I need to use bullet points:

Maybe junior thought he had a right to speed on the San Diego Freeway since he grew up listening to his father boast, "I invented the interstate."
Can we all agree that naming your child after yourself is a jackass move - especially when you get into the Roman numerals? He's a kid, not a Super Bowl. I don't see this happening in the Bible. There's no Moses IV. If Mary and Joseph can resist naming their kid God Jr., then you and I can come up with fresh names for our offspring.
A Toyota Prius can go 100 mph? This is the biggest surprise since Rodney King got his Hyundai Excel up over 90 in a futile attempt to avoid the beating of his life.
In addition to marijuana, Gore had four prescription drugs in the car - Xanax, Valium, Vicodin and Adderall - none of which were prescribed in Gore's name. Xanax and Valium treat anxiety. Vicodin is a painkiller that also has a calming effect. That's a lot of "mellow" for one man to ingest. The article doesn't mention any counterbalancing uppers, so we have to assume that strapped into the passenger seat was a Red Bull pony keg.
The article reports that Gore lives in Los Angeles and "is an associate publisher of GOOD, a magazine about philanthropy aimed at young people." The HelloRocky team never heard of GOOD, and we're magazine junkies. We checked out their website and found it SOSO.
Al Gore Sr. will run for President. He is waiting for the inciting incident - be it an assassination, terrorist attack or a breakaway icepack - that will give him the cover to launch his campaign. We still like his chances based on the reasons given in our earlier post.
Finally, it is worth noting that a child can still grow up troubled even though his parents are total dicks about the lyrical content on the kid's CDs. Thanks for reminding us, Tipper, that censorship is not a substitute for good parenting.

The PMRC (Tipper Gore on right) - bringing down the
record biz (instead of bringing up their kids).

Apple iPhone Review

Rocky — Mon, 02 Jul 2007 16:53:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

The new iPhone from Apple - yes or no?

Amanda Schupak
New Haven, CN

Rocky Responds:

It's fitting that Apple partnered up with AT&T for the new iPhone. In the early 70's, AT&T sponsored the Circle-Vision 360 at Disneyland. Guests would stand in a large, circular room and watch scenes from around the U.S. projected on nine screens. In the same building, AT&T set up booths where guests could try out "The Phone of the Future." TPOTF was a speakerphone - hot stuff back then. You could drop in a dime and call somebody. Since your only friends were probably in the booth with you, you ended up calling your mom and bragging about how you weren't holding the phone. Moms are good about playing along with that kind of stuff even when they don't give a shit. But you soon realized that it was, after all, just a phone. And you were talking, after all, to your mom when you could be in line for Autopia.

Autopia - Still more fun than anything
to come out of Cupertino.

So after putting the iPhone through its paces, the HelloRocky Team concludes that it is, after all, just a phone. Sure, it also has a camera, an iPod and the Internet. So what? If you put a saddle on a pig it doesn't make us want to ride it.

No doubt the iPhone will be a success. There are people out there who can't handle gaps in their day. Stopped at a red light? Push the Youtube link and watch the skateboarding dog. Take a photo of the guy on the corner spinning a cardboard sandwich. Listen to the latest crappy Paul McCartney song. To a lot of people, anything is better than a moment of introspection where thoughts creep in like, "I'm a big phony at work and they're catching on," or "I think my wife wants to poison me," or "Has that lump on my testicle always been there?" At HelloRocky we don't look for gadgets that keep us from ruminating on the dark porticoes of this world.

That's what booze is for.

Tiger Woods' Tight Shirt

Rocky — Mon, 18 Jun 2007 23:27:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

I was watching the U.S. Open the weekend. What's up with Tiger Woods and that form-fitting shirt? It looks good on him but, like the speedo, I can see it catching on with men who are ill-sculpted for such a garment.

Dorothy Pomerantz
Torrance, CA

Rocky Responds:

Tiger's shirt falls into the "retro-modern" category. It is inspired by how people in the 1960's thought "the future" would look. Specifically, it riffs on the "Star Trek" television series right down to the Nike logo's spooky similarity to the Star Fleet emblem:

All Tiger needed was a long-sleeve version of the shirt he wore and The Enterprise could have beamed him up after that double-bogey on the third hole.

The HelloRocky Team agrees, Dorothy, that Tiger's hard work in the gym entitles him to wear a snug shirt (although when he looks back on his putting woes he might question whether wearing a top that fits like a condom is such a smart idea). But I wouldn't worry about the beer-bellies at your local club following suit. Most men put comfort above fashion. If they do go to the collar-less shirt like Tiger, rest assured that they will opt for a looser fit. Even on The Enterprise, the only crew member that went for the really tight look was Mr. Spock, and he, like Tiger, paid his dues in the gym:

Name My Baby

Rocky — Thu, 14 Jun 2007 16:19:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

We are having our first child, a boy, in August. What should we name him?

Katherine Herrick Drake
Austin, TX

Rocky Responds:

Start by looking at the most popular names for boys right now, as compiled by The Social Security Administration:

1. Jacob
2. Michael
3. Joshua
4. Ethan
5. Matthew
6. Daniel
7. Christopher
8. Anthony
9. Andrew
10. William

Now throw those names out -- you don't want your kid's future to be a humdrum cruise down the middle lane of the highway of life. The most daring thing one of those boys will do is turn up the collar on his polo shirt.

You want more for your son--a name that let's people know they're dealing with someone special. A name that says:

"I take chances because I don't fear success. In defeat I am defiant. In victory I am magnanimous. I'll roll up my sleeves even though I wear cuff links. I drive a German car with Japanese politeness. I drink tea in the afternoon, gin in the evening and wine in moderation. I am a good friend and a great lover. Parents trust me, animals love me and cops let me off with a warning. God believes in me more than I believe in him but we both believe this is my time to shine."

The HelloRocky Team advises you to name your son: Baccarat. Baccarat Drake. He shall change the world.

The Dutch John Wayne: Jaap Van Ballegooijen

Rocky — Mon, 04 Jun 2007 16:12:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

I keep seeing Shell Oil commercials telling me Jaap Van Ballegooijen has a problem. What's his story and what can I do to help?

Dwayne Dolphin
Lynn, MA

Rocky Responds:

You must watch Jaap's story here. It's an updated version of "The Green Berets." Jaap plays the John Wayne part of the white man stuck in a lush Asian locale fighting for Western Civilization. Only instead of trying to kill the Viet Cong, Jaap is trying to find oil.   Kim Mahal, a smart, attractive Asian woman shows up at the Shell offices. She looks like the girl from "Bend it like Beckham" and she plays the David Janssen role of the cynical reporter.

Right away you wonder if these two will hit the sheets in what would be the most age-inappropriate lovemaking since "Blame it on Rio."

Jaap takes Kim on a tour.   He drives her through villages full of happy peasants and points out how it all use to be swampland. She carps about how "nothing stands in the way of progress" but Jaap fires right back, "Just like facts shouldn't get in the way of a good story." It's steamy the way that they verbally and mentally undress each other. But then, as they are stuck behind a herd of water buffalo, Jaap's teenage son Max calls from an Amsterdam grundge bar. Max is clearly going down the wrong path because he is missing a father figure. Jaap, instead of understanding, barks at Max when he realizes how late it is back there. Max hangs up on his dad.

Jaap then gets Kim on a helicopter and they tour some offshore rigs. The rich production values and soaring music are evocative of "Jurassic Park." Jaap explains the problem: lots of little pockets of oil that they can't get to. Economic and environmental concerns keep them from putting an oil rig over every little puddle. The tour ends and suddenly Kim is nice and all Gandhi-like, advising Jaap to get some distance and clear his head to get over his "writer's block."

Cut to: Amsterdam, morning. Jaap buys a coffee and a Red Bull and joins Max on a park bench. Max wants to stay angry with his dad and he knocks what Jaap does for a living. Jaap points out that without oil there would be no way for trucks to bring the kid his Red Bull. Then he takes Max to an ice cream parlor for a milk shake. This is the payoff scene. To get the last bits of his milkshake, Max bends his flexi-straw and turns it upside so he can suck the shake off of the side of the glass. Jaap realizes that an oil rig that bends like that straw is the answer to his problems. Conceivably, Jaap could have had the same epiphany as he crooked his finger this way and that while answering Kim's carnal desires, but having the solution unfold the way it did is more family-friendly.

So to answer your question, Dwayne, The HelloRocky Team advises you to not worry about Jaap. Rest easy knowing he is on the job, bending oil rigs like Beckham in order to keep our cars full of petrol and our homes warm and toasty.

Cow Anus Flap - Carl's Jr. Serves Jack In The Box a Lawsuit

Rocky — Tue, 29 May 2007 04:50:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

I heard about the cow anus flap at Carl's Jr. Do you think they can win their lawsuit against Jack in the Box?

Kenneth J. Novack
Westchester, NY

Rocky Responds:

First of all, The Cow Anus Flap is now my favorite new name for a band.

Second, I think that the legal team at Carl's Jr. is being frivolous.

"CKE Restaurants Inc. sued Jack In The Box in U.S. District Court on Friday over an ad in which executives laugh hysterically at the word "Angus" and another where the chain's pingpong ball-headed mascot, Jack, is asked to point to a diagram of a cow and show where Angus meat comes from.
"I'd rather not," the pointy-nosed Jack replies.
The employee asking the question traces a circle in the air with his pen while pronouncing the word Angus.
CKE claims the ads create the misleading impression that Jack In The Box's new 100 percent sirloin burgers use a better quality of meat than the Angus beef used by Carl's Jr. and Hardee's. CKE claims the spots confuse consumers by comparing sirloin, a cut of meat found on all cattle, with Angus, which is a breed of cattle."

There is no truth to the rumor that the ad came about after Jack In The Box left the giant ad agency JWT for the boutique firm of Beavis, Butthead and Sphinctersayswhat.

"They're not being funny," CKE chief executive Andrew F. Puzder said Friday. "They need to stop misleading people about what Angus beef is."
Puzder said that the company asked Jack In the Box to drop the ads, but that the chain refused and pointed to a Carl's Jr. TV spot suggesting Carl's Jr. milk shakes were superior to those served by competitors.
Puzder said the comparison was not valid because the Carl's Jr. ads did not suggest that Jack In the Box shakes were made from milk that came from an unsavory part of the cow."

The HelloRocky team thinks Carl's Jr. needs to grow up. McDonald's faced the same type of assault years ago. Wendy's ran ads for their chicken breast sandwiches where somebody asked "What part of the chicken is a McNugget?" The subtext was that you were eating chicken testicles. McDonald's didn't sue. They probably watched the ads in their Oak Brook suites and laughed, "I'll tell you what part - the $4 billion in profits part."

Angus, as we pointed out in an earlier post, is a breed of cattle that Carl's and McDonalds want us to believe has special powers. It's a cow - knocked out, decapitated, ground up and grilled. Carl's needs to withdraw the lawsuit and get back in the kitchen.

The Bubonic Plague and You

Rocky — Tue, 22 May 2007 03:01:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

I just read that a monkey in Denver died from the Bubonic Plague. Jesus Christ! Like I don't have enough worries on my plate. What is this, the 14th Century? Nice quantum leap.

Scott C. Fox
Palo Alto, CA

Rocky Responds:

Relax, Bakula-boy. You are safe and sound in the 21st Century. Sure, the monkey died fast - lethargic one day and dead the next. And sure, five squirrels and a rabbit have also been found dead on the zoo grounds. And yes, it only takes a flea to carry the plague to humans. But as the article states:

'Zoo veterinarian Dave Kenny said that the risk of plague spreading to humans was extremely low but that visitors were being urged to avoid squirrels and rabbits.
"There are species in the zoo collection, especially monkeys, that could be susceptible to the plague," said John Pape, an epidemiologist with the Colorado Department of Public Health and Environment.'

See - Dave Kenny says that the risk is low. And avoiding squirrels and rabbits shouldn't be that hard. You can take safety a step further by not partying with any gophers this summer.

Of course, Kenny doesn't mention that "The Black Death" has visited mankind throughout recorded history, including the massive pandemic of 1347 to 1350 that killed somewhere between 30% to 60% of Europe's population. And the plague continues to pop here and there, including a case just last year in your home state of California.

The thing to remember, Scott, is that the plague can now be treated with antibiotics. Just stay aware of the symptons and seek professional help before you die, not after.

Gotta Sing, Gotta Dance - The Sopranos Final Episode

Rocky — Wed, 16 May 2007 18:24:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

How do you see the Sopranos ending? Will Tony get whacked?

Inez Gugel
El Monte, CA

Rocky Responds:

Rather than try to guess how it will end, the HelloRocky team decided to hole up (at the Connor Hotel in Jerome, Arizona) until we came up with our version of how it should end. This is our dream scenario:

The final episode is shot as a musical. It opens with Tony clutching his machine gun in bed. He wakes up and realizes that Paulie has betrayed him. Tony sings in basso profundo:

I was blind, oh the folly
To get outsmarted by Paulie.
He's in cahoots with Leotardo
How could I be so retardo?
Just like a meal by Artie Bucco
I feel ill and wanna puke-o.

And so on and so forth. After sixty minutes of retribution, punctuated by several song and dance numbers, Vito Spatafore Jr. takes a stroll through the carnage and sings with haunting lightness:

Men spend so much time fighting for money and power,
They forget to enjoy a good crap in the shower.
My dad lived a lie and made many mistakes
He could have been happy as Mrs. Johnny Cakes.

But what do we know? Our plumber's union insurance only covers 20% of mental.

Make Money Now - Ask Rocky How

Rocky — Thu, 03 May 2007 16:13:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

I took your advice and invested in JP Morgan Chase (JPM) at the beginning of the year. They are already flirting with the 10% gains you promised for '07. Do I stick with them, or is it time to profit take?

Graham Pumphrey
Eastbourne-on-Baliwick, UK

Rocky Responds:

Ring the register, Graham. The organization has accomplished the goals I mapped out in December:

1. Digest Bank One: Final and most important step was renaming Bank One Ballpark in Phoenix Chase Field.
2. Distance themselves from scandal ridden JT Marlin. JPM CEO Jamie Dimon recently clarified the key difference between the two firms, "We have the world's largest hedge fund with $34 billion in assets" he bellowed, "while JT Marlin doesn't exist."
3. Step out of the shadow of Gong Show panelist Jaye P. Morgan. "Rather than compete with the broad" Dimon chirped, "we decided to make her a spokesperson for our Private Client Services. We just need to hammer out the details."

The additional good news is that my former colleague, Bubbles, recently joined the company's Chase unit. But since that announcement was made over a month ago, it's presumed to be built into the current stock price.

Therefore, it's time to rotate into an investment with more upside for the remainder of '07. My proprietary models now indicate that The Gap (symbol GPS, current price $18.24) is the smart play. They're cleaning up the mess that Disney refugee Paul Pressler made in his brief stint as CEO. It shouldn't be that hard. Selling jeans and t-shirts is not rocket science, and with The Gap's considerable assets the turnaround should be quick. A revamped Banana Republic should lead the way, tapping into America's willingness to overpay in a store that plays the right background music.

Buy GPS at $18.24, sell at $24.50 and check in with Rocky for your next move.

Capital One - What's in Your Wallet?

Rocky — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 23:30:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

I can't watch TV for more than 15 minutes without seeing a Capital One Ad. Either some shmoe is piling his family into a freight car or cavemen are on a rampage. I figure they must be ripping people off if they can afford to advertise so much. Am I right?

Gary Perlin
Summit, NJ

Rocky Responds:

You're wrong on three counts, Gary. First, the dad is a shlemiel, not a shmoe (a shlemeil uses the wrong credit card, a shmoe loses his wallet). Second, they're not cavemen, they are Visigoths. And third, Capital One is not ripping people off. Their business model is one of the most socially responsible in the banking business, yet it is also among the most fiscally sound.

By pushing the "No Hassle Miles" program (any airline, anytime, no expiration of miles), they are focusing on "transactor customers," people who use their credit cards as a payment vehicle rather than as a place to stash their debts. This enhances their brand and builds profitable customer relationships for the long term.

Capital One has also abandoned the "Prime Revolver" market that offers low or zero interest for up to 18 months. Profitability for those products relies on penalty repricing once the customer is late or misses a payment. Duh. Capital One realizes that banking is the one industry where the quality of your customers is as important as the quantity. They're sending the mullet heads to the other banks.

They were also voted one of Fortune Magazine's 100 Best Companies to Work For. Or, if you hate sentences that end in prepositions, one of Fortune Magazine's 100 Best Companies for Which to Work.

But if the ads bother you that much buy a TIVO. There's no reason to get pissy.

The Don Imus Anagram-- I'm So Dum

Rocky — Wed, 11 Apr 2007 16:26:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

Are you going to weigh in on the Don Imus flap? Does this fit your definition of a "kerfuffle"?

Chi-Li Wong
Alhambra, CA

Rocky Responds:

This is more than a kerfuffle, Chi-Li. Step back and look at the entirety of this story and you see a collection of conundrums, a bouillabaisse of baffling facts. Let's examine them:

1) Don Imus is popular. What the hell, America? Time is precious--yet you fritter it away listening to this moldering windbag? That kind of bad judgment shouldn't exist, yet it thrives. Just drive down the highway and look at the guy next to you in a Chevy Malibu. He needed a new car, fair enough. But he passed on Honda, Toyota and Subaru and bought a Chevy Malibu. He's buried under payments for five years, even though the tranny's going to blowout after two. Sometime in the third year the air conditioner will crack, but fixing it will cost more than the car is worth--hello sweaty back. Depreciation will strike hard, and at no point in the five year period will he actually have any equity in the car. At least the Delco radio will still be working and he can listen to Imus.

2) Don Imus watches women's college basketball. Huh? ESPN only televises the ladies games as part of an overall commitment to the NCAA that includes the lucrative men's football and basketball. It's a loss-leader, they don't expect people to actually watch. Viewers jonesing for real competition flip over to ESPN2 to watch poker. Nothing good can come from watching women's hoops. Imus is finding this out the hard way.

3) Al Sharpton is the new Arnold Schwarzenegger. Albert Brooks in Broadcast News:

"Hi. Turn on your TV...Good Morning America, the Morning News and Today are all about to talk to Arnold Schwarzenegger and I think he's live on at least two of them."

4) The Cable News Channels went from the basement to a newly discovered lower basement - when they interrupted their non-stop Imus coverage with the Danielynn DNA results.

5) Al Roker is Leading the Lynch Mob - In an ill-fated attempt to shake the "wimpy weatherman" stereotype. Nice try, Al. Watching you get angry is like watching George McFly make a fist.

Where do we go from here? Should Imus be fired? Maybe we should just pay him to go away. In California they have this program where the State will buy your crappy, old pollution-spewing car just to get it off the road. A thousand bucks, no questions asked. We ought to be able to do the same with jalopy broadcasters. Cut them a check. Stop the spewing. Let's start with Imus and then see if Mike Wallace and Larry King queue up for the same offer.

Kerfuffle Defined

Rocky — Sun, 01 Apr 2007 16:35:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

More and more I'm seeing people use "kerfuffle" to describe a disturbance or fuss. I'd love to make the word part of my working vocabulary but I don't want to misuse it. Any advice on when it is appropriate to drop the k-bomb?

Nicole Novick
Studio City, CA

Rocky Responds:

The word "kerfuffle" sprang from the British Isles, originating in Scotland, specifically in Carnoustie at a pub called The Stag Head Inn on Dundee Street. It was there in 1891 that Young Tom Whittaker bumped Gourley McBain, causing Gourley to spill the better part of his drink. The locals feared a fight, but Gourley remained calm, saying, "'Tis only a pint, nay worthy o' a kerfuffle." Though Gourley had just invented the word, the regulars understood what he was saying from the context.

Usage of kerfuffle was confined to Carnoustie until the 1960's, when some visiting golfers picked up on the word and took it back to London. There it fell into favor with the Mods, who mainly used it to describe an awkward shag with a clumsy lover.

The post 9/11 world has seen a kerfuffle resurgence, one where the word is used in its original context - describing a disturbance that is unworthy of escalation. Use of kerfuffle brings much needed perspective to incidents that might otherwise be viewed as part of a global march towards humanity's annihilation. Hostages in Iran: act of war or kerfuffle? Let's call it a kerfuffle for now and see about getting the hostages safely home.

Therefore, Nicole, the best time to use kerfuffle is when you want to tap into its power to diffuse. Where others might see a developing donnybrook or a brewing brouhaha, you could feign disinterest and suggest, "Let's not waste time on such kerfuffles."

"Are you as turned on by this kerfuffle as I am?"

McDonald's New Burger - Angus Third Pounder

Rocky — Mon, 19 Mar 2007 00:51:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

I saw an ad for a new burger at Mickey D's. They call it the Angus Third Pounder. What do you know about this? Have you tried it yet?

Howard I. Frumin
Laguna Niguel, CA

Rocky Responds:

Sure, I've tried it. As a student of corporate innovation and cultural trends, I pay attention when a behemoth like McDonalds introduces something new.

First, let me give you the backstory: McDonald's is going after the "high-end" burger market with this $3.99 offering. It is currently only available in select Southern California locations, where early reports suggest they may have a hit on their hands. If so, look for a nationwide rollout in the near future.

Just as there is no "I" in team, there is no
"angina in us" without angus.

Is there anything special about Angus beef? I doubt it. According to Wikipedia, Black Angus is the most popular breed of beef cattle in the U.S., and...

"Angus are hardy, undemanding, adaptable, mature at around two years of age, and have a high carcass yield with marbled meat. They are good natured in comparison to several breeds but are more aggressive than the breeds such as the Hereford. Angus are used as beef cattle and are not used for milk intended for human consumption . They are used widely in crossbreeding to improve marbling and milking ability. Angus females calve easily (i.e., give birth without as much stress), partly because of the small size of a typical Angus calf, and have good calf rearing ability.
As of the latter part 2003, the American fast food industry has assisted in a public relations campaign to promote the supposedly superior quality of beef produced from Angus cattle (“Angus beef”)."

So they're telling you that there is something special about the beef you've been eating all along. Look in the mirror at your ass and see if you agree.

On to the burger: "The Angus Third Pounder comes in three varieties, the Angus Deluxe, Angus with Cheese and Angus Swiss with Mushrooms. Each is made with a one-third pound, 100-percent Angus beef patty on a bakery-style sesame seed roll. Ingredients include fresh leaf lettuce, red onion rings, fresh tomatoes, sauteed mushrooms and natural Swiss cheese." There is a version that substitutes bacon for the mushrooms, which is what I had--I wanted Ronald to take his best shot at blowing up my arteries. Anything less would be like going to Iraq and settling for a desk job. This Angus Third Pounder with bacon comes in at 860 calories (compare to the Big Mac's 540) and provides 83 percent of the recommended daily saturated fat, and 45 percent of the cholesterol. And you know what? It was delicious. How could it not be? You take beef, top it with bacon and cheese and onions and you're going to please me. And the roll was better than what you normally get at McDonalds--it actually had a little roll flavor.

But my body seemed to bog down for about a day and a half. I won't be getting another Angus Third Pounder anytime soon.

March Madness Advice

Rocky — Wed, 14 Mar 2007 19:29:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

I'm filling out my brackets for the NCAA Tourney. Any advice?

Janet Duckworth
Glendale, CA

Rocky Responds:

A lot of folks are handicapping the tourney, Janet. Some are working off of sophisticated computer programs that feed off of the mountains of data available on all 64 teams. Some just use hunches or goofy systems like lucky colors or favorite mascots.

I prefer to step back and take in the big picture. I believe that the makeup of our Universe is ninety percent poetic, and I try to find the poetry in this year's version of March Madness. And here it is:

This year is the 50th Anniversary of McGuire's Miracle. Frank McGuire was the basketball coach at St. John's in NYC who decided to take the coaching job at North Carolina, where football reigned supreme. McGuire got five New York kids to come with him, and in 1957 they went 32-0, winning the NCAA title game in three overtimes against a Kansas team that featured Wilt Chamberlain, the greatest college player ever. Watching a tape of that game is like watching that Nike commercial where a modern player appears in a 1950's game and simply dominates. And it doesn't seem fair that Wilt's team lost. Down one point with five seconds to go in the final overtime, Kansas tried to get the ball to Wilt in the post, but the pass was lame and got picked off.

That game was played in Kansas City, in front of a partisan Kansas crowd. This year the final will be in Atlanta, in front of a partisan North Carolina crowd. And Kansas will settle the score and put the Universe back in balance.

There's your tip: Kansas over North Carolina. Poetic justice. For Wilt.

Update 4/2/07: The tourney turned out to be poetic, as predicted. However, it took the unexpected form of a haiku:

Florida again
Ohio State runners up
Rocky wins at craps!

Rocky's Music Club - Joe "Sonny" Barbato

Rocky — Thu, 08 Mar 2007 05:22:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

Thanks for the book recommendation. Since you're becoming a contemporary cultural maven, I'm curious to know if you have any music recommendations? Is there a new CD you could turn me onto?

Ray Chelstowski
Staten Island, NY

Rocky Responds:

You need to check out Sonny Barbato's new disc "Crackerjack." Sonny takes the accordion out of the beer hall and puts it in front of the hippest jazz ensemble on the East Coast.

Paul Zimmerman reviewed the disc and wrote:

Yes, it's true, his accordion is the featured instrument on his album, Crackerjack. While it might be hard to believe this, his lovely instrument actually lends itself quite nicely to being jazzy.

Sure some of the songs here sound like they belong on a sidewalk cafe somewhere in France, but most of the songs on Crackerjack teeter somewhere between being laid back light jazz or nearly be-bop. Its terribly nice stuff that will make one reassess their thoughts on what an accordion is capable of. Weird Al this is not.

You can give "Crackerjack" a listen at Sonny's MySpace page. It will expand your consciousness - which is nice.

Delivering The Male

Rocky — Tue, 27 Feb 2007 18:19:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

My boyfriend is 56 and happy to be unmarried for the rest of his life. I don't get it. Why are some men okay being alone? It's not just me; he let several incredible women go because they wanted more than a temporary commitment. Is it fear? Or the thought that there may be someone even better around the corner?

Sue Corcoran
Happy Valley, CA

Rocky Responds:

I doubt if it has to do with the thought of someone better around the corner. Although somebody down the road is a possibility. As is somebody up around the bend. Or coming down the pike - new chicks are always coming down the pike.

Actually, the thing with marriage is that it's pluses and it's minuses are one and the same thing. Entering a marriage is like taking a job at the Post Office: you eliminate a lot of uncertainty in your life. Once married, you know where you will be sleeping, who'll be next to you, who you'll be looking at over breakfast and with whom you'll vacation. And you know that when you die somebody will take care of your body and bag your clothes for Goodwill.

Get hired by the Post Office and you know you'll make a decent living for the rest of your life. If you show up and do your job and don't steal magazines, you know you'll never get fired. You don't have to worry about getting scolded by your boss and you don't have to suck up to clients. If you're a carrier you breathe fresh air all day and get the kind of exercise for which others pay good money. So why doesn't everybody want to work at the Post Office?

It's because that kind of certainty takes the edge off of life. For some people, that's a good thing, for others it's a disaster. Imagine that tomorrow you will trace the exact steps you took today. Then picture the same thing for the next twenty years. All that's left to consider are the riddles contained in the dark certainty of death that lies beyond your working years. Some postal workers become fixated on mortality's gaping maw and, all too often, lash out in a violent maelstrom of destruction.

They should have gone into real estate.

To many men, marriage has that same life-leeching certainty. All the comforts of matrimony leave these men time to consider "what next?" and the answers they get are delivered by shadowy ghosts creeping through the cold attics of their imaginations.

The victims in all of this end up being well-intentioned women such as yourself. But you must take comfort in the fact that you're not getting tied down with a personality that is capable of "going postal."

The lesson, as always: it's not you, it's him.

Suze Orman --- 55-Year-Old Virgin

Rocky — Sat, 24 Feb 2007 03:39:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

The NY Times is reporting that personal finance guru Suze Orman is a 55-year-old virgin. I respect her choice, but part of me wonders about taking life advice from a woman who has not lived a full life. What do you think?

Catherine Clinch
Silverlake, CA

Rocky Responds:

Relax, Catherine. Suze's life has been full and robust and zesty. The Times points out that while Suze may not have soiled sheets with a man, she still manages to wet the Wamsuttas. The article reveals that Suze's life partner for the last seven years has been Kathy Travis. At HelloRocky, we applaud lasting relationships and the many forms that they can take.

The bigger question regarding Suze Orman and sex has to do with her priority list: "People first, then Money, then Things." At issue is where sex falls within that credo. Is sex part of "People" since it involves another person, or is sex a "Thing" since it is an activity? It's important to clarify this since it is either the first thing or the last thing that you should worry about.

The HelloRocky team assembled a task force to solve this riddle. After holing up for two days in a suite at The Hampton Inn, the team came to an astounding conclusion: it depends on your gender. If you're a man, sex is a "Thing," virtually unattainable if you don't first have money. For women, sex is a "People," meaning that the act itself is less important than the partner, who, as we just explained, must have money. An awareness of this dichotomy can save everybody a lot of grief.

The answers are out there--at the Hampton Inn.

Air Force Sergeant Michele Manhart in Playboy

Rocky — Sat, 17 Feb 2007 01:19:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

I just read about the Air Force Sergeant Michelle Manhart posing for Playboy. Would you rank her #1 on your all-time list of drill sergeants?

John Rogan
Alexandria, VA

Rocky Responds:

Not so fast. There are plenty of times and places for curvy young women. But boot camp is not one of them. This is where young men and women are taught the ancient and sacred art of warfare. To learn to fight and kill and, most importantly, survive in modern combat, you need focus. You don't need the distraction of Miss April.

Here is my All-time Top Five Drill Sergeant list:

#1 - LEE ERMEY. Full Metal Jacket. "If you ladies leave my island, if you survive recruit training, you will be a weapon. You will be a minister of death praying for war. But until that day you are pukes. You are the lowest form of life on Earth. You are not even human, fucking beings. You are nothing but unorganized grabastic pieces of amphibian shit. Because I am hard you will not like me. But the more you hate me the more you will learn. I am hard but I am fair. There is no racial bigotry here. I do not look down on niggers, kikes, wops or greasers. Here you are all equally worthless. And my orders are to weed out all non-hackers who do not pack the gear to serve in my beloved Corps. Do you maggots understand that?"

#2 - SGT. HULKA - Stripes. "You better hit those bunks, my little darlins, or Sergeant Hulka with the BIG TOE is gonna see how far he can stick it up your ass."

#3- Louis Gossett Jr. An Officer and a Gentleman. "In every class, there's always one joker who thinks that he's smarter than me. In this class, that happens to be you. Isn't it, Mayonnaise?" Special credit for kicking Richard Gere so hard in the groin that he maimed a gerbil.

#4 - Sgt. Carter - Gomer Pyle U.S.M.C. Special credit for being ahead of his time in terms of "Don't ask, don't tell."

#5 - Michelle Manhart - U.S.A.F. On the other hand, she can't help the way she looks. At HelloRocky we are nothing if not fair.

Rocky's Book Club

Rocky — Tue, 13 Feb 2007 17:39:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

I enjoyed your Oscar picks, although I wish you had rated "Little Miss Sunshine" higher. Have you read any books lately that you could recommend?

Vanessa Grigoriadis
New York, NY

Rocky Responds:

Mark Winegardner's novel "Crooked River Burning" was being passed around the HelloRocky offices recently, so I gave it a read. I give a book about fifty pages to hook me. By page twenty of "Crooked River" I was sucked in and looking for the "Other books by" page, hoping to find a long list.

Set in Cleveland, the novel takes us from 1948 to 1970, when the city went from being the envy of the nation to a punchline. Winegardner weaves real-life characters like Alan Freed, Elliot Ness and JFK into the narrative which at it's core is an epic love story.

Some of my favorite blurbs from the jacket:

Chicago Tribune: "A meaty, engrossing novel..." - It is, in fact, meaty.
Cleveland Free Times: "A fantastic passage through incredible times, spun with the gusto Greek poets used to transform runty pirates into Hellenic superheroes." Word.
NY Times Book Review: "Brilliant...Winegardner weaves the love story through the fabric of a tumultous era in which Cleveland, the birthplace of rock 'n' roll, slides substantially in population, becomes the butt of many jokes and sees the Cuyahoga River catch fire more than once."

So that is our literary pick of the week, Vanessa.

Stay focused.

The Cuyahoga River not burning.

Oscar Recap - "Letters From Iwo Jima" and "Little Miss Sunshine"

Rocky — Thu, 01 Feb 2007 17:03:00 GMT

Note From Rocky: This is installment #3 of my answer to Elaine.

Hello Rocky,

You gave a thumbnail review of "The Departed" awhile back. Now that it has been nominated for a Best Picture Oscar, how do you compare it to the competition?

Elaine Goalby
Falls Church, VA

Rocky Responds:

Who knew that being colorblind precluded one from becoming a pilot? It's not like there are a bunch of traffic signals up there. I just want a pilot that shows up sober and knows what to do if the roof comes off of first class.

So out of nowhere, Little Miss Sunshine decides to take a colorblind test during the family road trip. And out of nowhere she has her brother take it, and he realizes he's colorblind. And the suicidal uncle knows what this means to the kid's dream of being a pilot, and a crisis ensues. And the whole thing took me out of the movie as I started thinking about planes without roofs and the TV movie where Connie Selleca played the heroic pilot. Which got me to thinking of Connie marrying John Tesh, who Howard Stern called "The Blond Frankenstein" but Tesh was a good sport about it.

The point is that I was in the VW with that family up until this point but this whole colorblind thing took me out. It was like my "Saving Private Ryan" experience. I'm hiking through France with those guys. I can feel the dampness, smell the grass. Then we came across Ted Danson. Ted Danson? Army Captain Ted Danson? I didn't buy it. Then I figured Ted and Mary are friends with the Spielbergs, so Steven threw him this bone of a role. But mentally, I'm no longer in France, I'm back in the Palisades with Ted, Mary, Steven and Kate, the world of Range Rovers and fresh pastry. It took me about twenty minutes to get back into the movie. Steven was being a mensch, but it cost him the Oscar.

Anyway, "Little Miss Sunshine" was still a pretty good movie.

"Letters From Iwo Jima" was a great movie. Emotionally satisfying. And no Ted Danson to muck things up.

So, Elaine, here are the final rankings:

#1 - "The Queen"
#2 - "Letters from Iwo Jima"
#3 - "Little Miss Sunshine"
#4 - "The Departed"
#5 - "Babel" (pronounced "Bobble")

Of course, I'm not predicting anything. If these people can give "Crash" an Oscar then there's hope for "Bobble." And who knows if voters are going to think it's Marty's time? "Letters," in addition to being a great film, could tap into a strong undercurrent of anti-war sentiment. "Little Miss Sunshine" won't win. And I would vote for "The Queen" if they let me.

Stay focused.

Oscar Recap - "Babel"

Rocky — Mon, 29 Jan 2007 23:22:00 GMT

Note From Rocky: This is installment #2 of my answer to Elaine.

Hello Rocky,

You gave a thumbnail review of "The Departed" awhile back. Now that it has been nominated for a Best Picture Oscar, how do you compare it to the competition?

Elaine Goalby
Falls Church, VA

Rocky Responds:

So I saw "Babel" today (btw, like Arnold at the Golden Globes, I choose to pronounce it "Bobble"). It's a long, exhausting movie. Bad things happen to good people around the world and it's all related. Kind of like "Crash" with subtitles. Or "The English Patient" with a better looking cast. Actually, it's better than those two brutal-to-sit-through movies, but not by much.

I guess the filmmakers are calling for understanding in the world, instead of confrontation. Maybe they want us to ask why we can't get along. But I had other questions. If your baby died, would you take your wife on a bus tour of the Morrocan desert with a bunch of fat, old British people to cheer her up? And if you had a problem with little jackals attacking your goats, would you really give your kids a rifle the size of a bazooka to handle things? And how does a Japanese schoolgirl end up with a forty year old body?

So the new Oscar rankings, with three movies down and two to go, look like this:

#1 - "The Queen"
#2 - "The Departed"
#3 - "Babel" (pronounced "Bobble")

Next up: "Letters from Iwo Jima" - Sounds perky.

Oscar Recap - "The Queen"

Rocky — Sun, 28 Jan 2007 19:14:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

You gave a thumbnail review of "The Departed" awhile back. Now that it has been nominated for a Best Picture Oscar, how do you compare it to the competition?

Elaine Goalby
Falls Church, VA

Rocky Responds:

Until I received this question from a number of readers, I'd only seen "The Departed." Since I am all about value, I will view the others and weigh in.

First up, "The Queen." I saw it Thursday, catching the 12:30 matinée over at the mall. It was a full theater and I was the youngest person there by about twenty years. My guess is that a lot of the a.m. Costco shoppers had migrated to the cinema to rest their fatigued frames.

"The Queen" is a terrific film. Helen Mirren's Best Actress nomination is well-deserved, but the whole cast was a treat to watch. If they made an HBO series with this crew I'd watch every week.

Diana's death was only ten years ago, but you forget what a circus it was. The movie splices in news footage, and it's a hoot. As an example, we catch a glimpse of Steven Spielberg and Tom Hanks filing into Westminster Abbey for the funeral looking totally befuddled. Right behind them is little Tom Cruise, pouting like a kid forced to put on his one ill-fitting suit to go to the funeral of a great-grandmother he never met. It was as if a whirlpool had formed in the pristine waters of the glitterati, and the rich and famous were helplessly sucked into this absurd sideshow. Amongst such forces it's almost a surprise to see Elton John's wig stay on.

"...you lived your life like a toupee in the wind..."

I've now seen two of the nominated films. My current rankings:

#1 - The Queen
#2 - The Departed

Next up: "Babel" - I'll see it so you don't have to.

Stay focused.

UFO Sighted at O'Hare

Rocky — Tue, 02 Jan 2007 22:35:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

What's your take on the UFO sighting in Chicago? I feel like somebody is hiding something. Should I be worried?

Beth Shapiro
Lake Forest, IL

Rocky Responds:

On the surface it seems like a goofy story. The CNN piece says the Feds are blowing it off as a weather phenomenon. They end the article with a little joke by the controllers union official, Craig Burzych, who says, "To fly 7 million light years to O'Hare and then have to turn around and go home because your gate was occupied is simply unacceptable." Har har.

But something doesn't feel right.

So I went to the Chicago Tribune to get the details. This article will knock the smile off of your face. A group of airline employees, including pilots (people who would be fired if they were in any way intoxicated, by the way) saw:

"A flying saucerlike object hovered low over O'Hare International Airport for several minutes before bolting through thick clouds with such intense energy that it left an eerie hole in overcast skies... One United employee appeared emotionally shaken by the sighting and "experienced some religious issues" over it, one co-worker said...A United manager said he ran outside his office in Concourse B after hearing the report about the sighting on an internal airline radio frequency. "I stood outside in the gate area not knowing what to think, just trying to figure out what it was," he said. "I knew no one would make a false call like that. But if somebody was bouncing a weather balloon or something else over O'Hare, we had to stop it because it was in very close proximity to our flight operations." Some said they were interviewed by United officials and instructed to write reports and draw pictures of what they observed, and that they were advised by United officials to refrain from speaking about what they saw."

So United tries to squash the story. Bad for business, I suppose. But the Feds wouldn't be in on a cover-up, would they? Actually, the Tribune continues:

"Like United, the FAA originally told the Tribune that it had no information on the alleged UFO sighting. But the federal agency quickly reversed its position after the newspaper filed a Freedom of Information Act request."

At which point the Feds admitted the sighting:

"Our theory on this is that it was a weather phenomenon," (FAA spokeswoman Elizabeth Isham Cory) said. "That night was a perfect atmospheric condition in terms of low [cloud] ceiling and a lot of airport lights. When the lights shine up into the clouds, sometimes you can see funny things. That's our take on it."

Okay, but for the record, the sighting occurred during daylight, about 4:30 p.m., just before sunset.

So to answer your question, Beth, YES, you should be worried. Because one of the following four statements is true:

1. Earth is being visited by space aliens.
2. The military has a secret new stealth vehicle and they are so cocky that they flew it over one of our busiest airports to prove a point.
3. United has a whacked-out group of employees capable of mass hallucinations and instead of firing the looney birds the airline simply shushes them.
4. Al Gore was right about global warming and we are in for some crazy ass weather.

My money is on #2, but I'm not ruling out #3, and I'm open to the idea of combining #1 and #4, meaning Al Gore might be a space alien waiting for the day when he can put all Earthlings in a lockbox.

Stay focused.

UPDATE Jan. 4. 2007: Crazy stuff over Colorado now. And over New Jersey, where even Space Aliens think it's okay to litter. Let's see how creative Elizabeth Isham Cory gets as she tries to explain away these new events.

February Vegas Trip

Rocky — Sun, 31 Dec 2006 01:04:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

We are visiting Las Vegas in February. We plan to fly in from Newark, spend 3 days in Vegas then drive to Palm Springs for a couple of days. Any hotel tips? We're looking at Flamingo, Golden Nugget, Harrahs, Hilton and Tropicana. What about shows?

Kathy and Vince
Cranford, NJ

Rocky Responds:

Out of those choices I'd go with the Golden Nugget. It's in Downtown Vegas, where the casinos are squeezed together like Tom Cruise's teeth. If you're in town to gamble, you can't beat Downtown.

The Flamingo, Trop and Harrahs are all on the strip, which is where you want to be if you are into pirate ships and dancing fountains and stuff, but if that's the case you would do better to stay at Paris or Monte Carlo for about the same dough.

Screw the Hilton.

Regarding shows, if you're downtown you'll want to check out Steve Connolly's Tribute to Elvis at Fitzgerald's.
For a full list of shows, go to Vegas.com.

I'm assuming you're going to Palm Springs because you want to chill out after getting your freak on in Vegas. Ride the tram.

Stay focused and have fun.

Do Celebrities Die in Threes?

Rocky — Sat, 30 Dec 2006 18:05:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

When Gerald Ford and James Brown died, I kept waiting for a third celebrity death. What happened?

Patty Schultz
Coco Beach, FL

Rocky Responds:

Patty, you need to let go of that suburban legend about celebrities dying in threes. It is unscientific and a little bit creepy.

I've run some regressions on personalties and death and found that the Universal Force terminates life in a way that maintains the equilibrium of this dimension. In other words, when you die, your opposite will die too. When James Brown, The Godfather of Soul, died, it came as no surprise to me that Gerald Ford, Whitey McWhiteguy, soon followed. It's how the world stays in balance.

It's not always one-for-one. In response to this morning's hanging of Saddam Hussein, the Universe chose to flip over a ferry in Indonesia and drown 500 innocent people on their way to visit family and friends. It took that many pleasant souls to balance out the diabolical Saddam.

Stay focused.

Stock Pick for 2007

Rocky — Wed, 20 Dec 2006 17:42:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

Do you have a favorite stock pick for 2007?

Graham Pumphrey
Eastbourne-on-Baliwick, UK

Rocky Responds:

My proprietary models show modest overall gains in world markets in 2007. You'll want to ease out of the highflyers and lock into solid growth and income opportunities. My top pick for the individual investor is JP Morgan Chase and Co. (NYSE: JPM - current price $48.19).

I view favorably JP Morgan's aquisition of Bank One. Once Bank One is completely digested, and JPM takes it's Bank One bowel movement, the organization will be able to nimbly compete in the robust investment and commercial bank sectors.

2007 should also be the year that JP Morgan is finally able to convince the public-at-large that they are in no way connected to scandal ridden JT Marlin. JT Marlin is a fictional Long Island wire house from the 2000 film Boiler Room. It's a great flick. Nice performances by Giovanni Ribisi, Vin Diesel, and Ben Affleck.

Those guys all peaked in this movie (I suppose some people like Cold Mountain, The Pacifier and Jersey Girl, but those people are not HelloRocky readers).

There is also no connection between JP Morgan and Gong Show/Match Game star Jaye P. Morgan.

Load up on JPM stock, take your 10% gain in the stock price and 2.8% dividend yield and check back with me at the end of 2007 for another winner.

Stay focused and keep investing.

UPDATE 1/4/07: On the other hand, Dr. Hoist points out that TheStreet.com's Doug Kass has included in his "25 Surprises for 2007" the following:

6. The magnitude of the credit problems in mortgages takes its toll on the hedge fund industry, which is much more exposed to real estate than generally recognized. A handful of multibillion-dollar, derivative-playing hedge funds bite the dust in the aftermath of the housing debacle. Several California-based industrial banks fail (the West Coast is always at the leading edge of financial creativity and leverage!), and a large brokerage firm, heavily involved in fixed-income market-making and trading, faces material losses, and its debt ratings are downgraded. As the financial contagion spreads, rumors of a $10 billion-plus derivative loss at JPMorgan Chase (JPM - news - Cramer's Take) (which ultimately prove to be false) spark the largest one-day percentage drop in its shares in the past 15 years.

Vegas: What Would Jesus Roll?

Rocky — Fri, 15 Dec 2006 06:31:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

I always go to Vegas with my buddies between Christmas and New Years. Now my girlfriend wants me to go with her to Haiti and build a house for Habitat for Humanity. She keeps asking me "What would Jesus do?" Do you have any advice?

Ryan Bamberger
Beverly Hills, CA

Rocky Responds:

This is a good time for a healthy compromise between you and your special lady. Go to Las Vegas, but only gamble after asking yourself, "What would Jesus play?"

Jesus would not play slots or video poker. Jesus was too "of the people" to lose himself in these solitary pursuits.

Jesus' humble honesty would not lend itself to poker, a game that relies on guile and deception.

He would stay away from Blackjack, Bacarat and Pai Gow because those are sitting games, and when did you ever see Jesus sitting down? Even at the Last Supper he stands with his buddies at the buffet table.

Jesus would play Craps. Unlike Blackjack, where the dealer does all the work, Craps requires active participation as the players merrily roll the dice. This coincides with Jesus statement, "There is nothing better for a person than that he should eat and drink and find enjoyment in his toil. - Ecclesiastes 2:24-25

What would Jesus roll? You'd certainly want to play the "come" line, for as he points out in Revelation 3:11, "Behold, I come quickly." But you would also want to place the numbers and bet heartily. As he points out in 2 Corinthians 9:6, "...whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully."

Have fun in Vegas, and stay focused.

Gift Ideas for Mom

Rocky — Tue, 12 Dec 2006 17:21:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

I have no clue what to get my mother for Christmas. She is 78. Any ideas?

Joyce Trimble
Jackson Hole, WY

Rocky Responds:

For the mom who likes a good book, you can't beat Imagining Liza: Memoir of a Fan. One reviewer succinctly described it as "...a psychological page-turner that humanizes the longings of a fan and helps us to understand the impulses in ourselves."

Read this excerpt, as the author recounts seeing Liza at the Indiana State Fair in 1974:

"During Liza's state fair performance, I sat enthralled by this young woman who gave so much of herself. I loved every song, gesture, and dance routine. At intermission the four of us, all frustrated with viewing this great singer-dancer through binoculars, headed towards the men's room. It seemed the word had spread; we were not the only people who had discovered that the star's dressing room was across from a men's restroom at the west end of the Coliseum. Now many fans were mingling with the line to the men's room in the hope of getting a closer look at Liza.

I felt embarrassed at not only my own boldness but also with the crowd, particularly the men waiting. The line of men in every mode of attire, and lack of it, appeared oblivious to the commotion around them and the proximity of a movie star. They were simply intent on reaching their destination before the show resumed or they wandered back out into the fairgrounds. This jam of sweaty fairgoers and Minnelli fans from all walks of life, was not, I thought, the proper place for my star. But I rationalized that Liza did not care. Walking through such a motley crowd was just a minor annoyance en route to her purpose, which was to entertain the receptive audience. To her we were but an entity; we were not individuals. How could we be?"

The subject, a fan's adulation for Liza Minnelli, may seem hokey, but this book is proof that subject matter is not as important as passionate writing that seeks out universal truths.

If mom is a Simpsons fan, you might consider this. D'oh!

If you want something that is good and good for your mother, you should consider Alaska Wild Salmon fillets, which can be overnighted. Plenty of omega-3 fatty acids.

More important than anything you can buy, just letting mom know you love her is the best gift of all.

Water on Mars

Rocky — Thu, 07 Dec 2006 03:37:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

Scientists may have found evidence of water on Mars. Should I be excited?

Max Nussbaum
Philadelphia, PA

Rocky Responds:

I'd be more excited if those scientists could find some bourbon in my cabinet. Water on Mars is way down on my list of things to find, behind the following:

1) I'd like to find my Ralph's Club card. Without it I get dinged $4.99/lb. for asparagus.

2) I'd like to find my passport in case the Feds come looking for me with the Patriot Act in one hand and a taser in the other.

3) I'd like to find my Booker T. and the MGs cd before I give up and throw away the empty case.

Besides, for reasons mentioned earlier, Venus is my favorite planet. Mars is so 1990's, I'm over it.

Polonium-210

Rocky — Sat, 02 Dec 2006 17:27:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

What are the larger implications of the murder of former Russian spy Alexandr Litvinenko? Is Polonium-210 something new for me to worry about?

Lois Bellamy
The Woodlands, TX

Rocky Responds:

Polonium-210 isn't new, Lois. I've been cautioning people about intensely radioactive isotopes for years. Whenever my friend Bubbles checked into a motel she sprayed the room with Lysol and I laughed. That disinfectant won't do squat to any Polonium left behind by rogue KGB agents, I pointed out, though I did enjoy the fresh Country Scent.

But is it something you need to worry about, Lois? I don't think so. There isn't that much Polonium out there, and unless you have personally offended Vladimir Putin, you probably won't be targeted. What I would advise against, and where Litvinenko made a serious error in judgement, is eating sushi in London.

One positive thing came out of all this. Just when we thought all the good band names had been taken, some group with a generically lame name like "The Rugburns" can now adopt the "Polonium-210" moniker and stimulate some major label interest.

The Jesus and Hillary Chain

Rocky — Thu, 30 Nov 2006 01:46:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

I have noticed that in recent photos, Hillary Clinton is sporting various crosses around her neck. Some are quite large and noticeable. Any comments or insight? Do you think this will help with her bid for the White House?

Susan

Marshfield, MA

Rocky Responds:

I’m not as cynical as most. Senator Clinton wants the world to know that Jesus is her BFF, and a little bling is the quickest way to get the word out. What’s the alternative? I suppose some lowly staff scribe could draft a press release, but those things always get politicized, and the end result would probably resemble the following:

“For Immediate Release: Senator Clinton has accepted Jesus as her Lord and Savior. New York’s Junior Senator announced Wednesday that Jesus Christ secured payment for our sins through his death, just as she secured Federal Funding through SB #1409 for widening of the Westchester Parkway. The Senator went on to point out that “when they rolled back the stone in front of Christ’s tomb and found that he had risen, eternal life was guaranteed for all, and rolling back the Bush tax cuts can guarantee health care funding for all.”

When you keep it in perspective, a little crucifix doesn’t seem like such a big deal.

KKKramerica

Rocky — Wed, 22 Nov 2006 03:26:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,

What's your take on Michael Richards' racist meltdown?

Carl Visser
Round Rock, TX

Rocky Responds,

Kinda surprised me. I always thought Richards was going to fade away, become this generation's Jamie Farr -- maybe host a woman's golf tournament, make appearances at minor league baseball games, be a judge on some "Gong Show" knock-off. I was ready for t-shirts that say "Kramer is the new Klinger."

So I watched the video. I was expecting to see a guy lose his cool and drop a couple of "n" bombs. But, holy crap, Richards spews out, "50 years ago we'd have you upside down with a f**king fork up your ass!" That's creepy stuff from a guy who wasn't even drunk. Hell, it's creepy even if he was lit up like the Sunset Strip.

It's Gibson-esque. If Mel had been pulled over and called one cop a f**king nigger, one cop a f**king Jew, and one cop Su**r Tits, you might argue that he's just an angry drunk. But when he gets out of his car and starts articulating a view that the Jews are responsible for all the wars in all the world, he is revealing deep-seated issues--no matter how much he drank at Moonshadows.

And then Richards ruined Letterman last night. Jerry Seinfeld is usually a good guest, he pushes Dave's buttons and makes him laugh almost as much as Billy Crystal does. But they screwed it all up with that ill-conceived satellite apology. The whole thing brought me down.

So what do I think? I'm still a Kramer fan, but I think Michael Richards is a buffoon.

Tom and Katie: Wedding in Italy

Rocky — Thu, 16 Nov 2006 17:37:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,
In an earlier post you seemed to be cynical about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Now that they are getting married, are you ready to eat your words?
Wallace Raynor
Union City, NJ

Rocky Responds:
Fine. Here's to Tom. Here's to Katie. And here's to their fairytale wedding in an old Italian castle with all of Hollywood's C-list in attendance.

I still think that ten years from now some media tycoon is going to marry single-mom Katie Holmes, only to be disappointed that he's not getting perky Dawson's Creek Katie Holmes, but instead has saddled himself with physically and emotionally worn out Katie, a woman whose childhood dreams all came true with devasting effect.

And Tom Cruise will be knocking up Emma Watson.

Elton John "Ban All Religions"

Rocky — Mon, 13 Nov 2006 05:07:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,
What do you think of Elton John's desire to ban all religions?
Tiffany Swisher
Jacksonville, FL

Rocky Responds:
As a rule, Tiffany, The HelloRocky Team doesn't worry about anything coming out of Elton John's mouth that isn't written by Bernie Taupin.

"I can bitch, I can bitch/`Cause I'm better than you
It's the way that I move/The things that I do"

Stay focused.

My Favorite Planet

Rocky — Wed, 08 Nov 2006 16:45:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,
Do you have a favorite planet?
Elaine MacArthur
Louisville, KT

Rocky Responds,
I've always felt a kinship with Venus. I couldn't explain it until recently. I was doing some research for the PR firm hired to protect Pluto from losing its planetary status (we failed, obviously). In the course of my studies I learned that Venus's rotation is opposite from all the other planets. Earth and the other planets spin counter-clockwise, whereas Venus spins clockwise, though they might call it something else since there are no clocks on Venus.

How about that for an independent spirit? Big honking Jupiter, toasty Mercury, and fancy-pants Saturn are all spinning one direction, yet Venus chooses to dance through space in her own special way. She's a free spirit in a universe of causality, a stellar performer on an interstellar stage. The Sun may not like it, but to me Venus is the star of the solar system.

I enjoy visiting small mountain towns like Jerome, Arizona, where Venus shines even brighter in the dark night sky.

And although you didn't ask about my least favorite planet, Elaine, let me just say that I'm not a big fan of Uranus. (Like most men, I can't discuss the planets for very long without making a Uranus joke. I'm actually proud of myself for holding back until the fourth paragraph. I must be growing up.)

Stay focused and keep up the good work.

Nudity

Rocky — Wed, 01 Nov 2006 23:42:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,
Does God wear clothes?
Velda Wardle
Pahrump, NV

Rocky Responds:
God allows each of us to construct a personal image of him. That includes how he dresses. Close your eyes, Velda, and then say the word "God." The image that pops into your head is the image that's right for you.
Your God may be naked or he may wear a tuxedo.

My God wears a jumpsuit. He's got a semi-retired demeanor. I see him at a workbench with a lot of little projects going on. He doesn't wear a hat, except on weekends when he thinks it's funny to wear a captain's hat.

Keep up the good work. And stay focused.

Our Next President - "The Mulligan Theory"

Rocky — Thu, 26 Oct 2006 22:10:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,
Just two years now, and counting, until we elect a new President. Who's it gonna be?
Boyd W. Burnett
Tumwater, WA

Rocky Responds:
In order to answer your question about 2008, I need to first take you back to 1960. Eisenhower was finishing up his second term as a reasonably popular President. His VP, Richard Nixon, lost a very close race to Mr. Kennedy. As you know, Boyd, Nixon came lumbering out of the political graveyard in 1968 and won two successive Presidential elections. What the hell happened?

What happened was eight years of Kennedy & Johnson left America knee-deep in an unpopular war with no believable exit strategy. When Johnson announced he would not seek re-election the race was wide open. The Dems flirted with anti-war candidate Eugene McCarthy but ended up nominating political uber-hack Hubert Humphrey. The GOP trotted out Nixon and gave America the chance to "take a Mulligan" - suggesting that if we had elected Nixon in 1960 we wouldn't be in this mess, so let's right that wrong.

You see where this is heading. Al Gore will be our next President. Bank on it. The Republicans will trot out their own political hack, a John McCain type - a high-profile do-nothing who will blather on about "staying the course." The Democratic Senators who run, the Clintons and Kerrys and Bidens, will be shot down in the primaries because they signed off on all of this shit that Bush has pulled. About 100 young Americans are now losing their lives each month in Iraq. Many more are being maimed. By 2008, Boyd, America will be ready to take its Mulligan. I'm not saying I like it (though I thought his lockbox was a cute idea), and I'm not saying it's a bad idea, I'm just telling you how these things work. Plan accordingly.

Stay focused and keep up the good work.

We'll party like it's 1999!

Update: The team at Independent Sources picked up this article, once again beating Drudge to the punch.

Photoshop of Horrors

Rocky — Thu, 26 Oct 2006 16:20:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,
Now that you are a regular user of Photoshop are you ever going to get good at it?
Claude Balls
Rustic Canyon, CA

Rocky Responds:
Pablo Picasso said, "Art is a lie that makes us realize the truth." Photoshop is misused, Claude, by those who make the lie unrecognizable. The perfectly grafted head makes no statement about man's search for his rightful place in the universe. In the stark light of the real world the human head is proportionate to the torso. In the heightened spirit of the creative mind, however, shapes pulsate in response to the mood of the artist. The joy and pathos that he feels are revealed in his work.

The reason the world needs HelloRocky.com is explained on our home page. We live in an age when the ability to gather information has outstripped people's ability to utilize that information. HelloRocky is the internet's Rosetta Stone, the place where knowledge and insight turn information into wisdom. Our graphics reinforce our text. We transform a photograph into a portal through which the willing viewer can sneak a glimpse of the nature of existence. George Bernard Shaw explained it better, stating, "You use a glass mirror to see your face: you use works of art to see your soul."

Keep up the good work and stay focused.

The Departed

Rocky — Mon, 23 Oct 2006 06:46:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,
Have you seen "The Departed" yet? What did you think?
Janice Goodway
Coos Bay, OR

Rocky Responds:
I saw it, Jan. An okay movie. It should have been a great movie, but Scorcese dropped the ball. There were just too many of those "Wait a minute" moments. Characters do things that make you say, "Wait a minute, that doesn't make sense."

There are two rats in the movie and it should be obvious who they are, but everybody in the film acts stupid. And you go, "Wait a minute, why can't they figure this out?" There are other examples, like a crime boss who goes with his crew to pick up drugs. Wait a second! That would never happen. But Scorcese wants you to act stupid and play along. Screw that, Marty! Work the kinks out of the script before you shoot.

And if you're going to spend two and half hours telling your story, you ought to have room in the movie for Joe Pesci.

Stay focused, Janice, and keep up the good work.

Marty: "Hey Wahlberg, stop playing with your goodfellas!"

T.M.X. Elmo

Rocky — Fri, 20 Oct 2006 19:04:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,
The new Tickle Me Elmo is out. T.M.X. (Tickle Me Extreme) Elmo flew off the shelves and is out of stock at most retailers. If I come across one for sale should I buy it?
Don Soelberg
Portland, ME

Rocky Responds:
T.M.X. Elmo represents another leap forward in Elmo technology. The original Elmo had an awkward shoulder shaking laugh, kind of like President Bush. But T.M.X. Elmo has real laughing fits. He slaps his knee, falls to the floor, rolls over and pounds his arm. They could have called it "Bong Hit Elmo." Should you buy it? C'mon, the thing costs forty bucks. You might laugh once, then you'll leave it on the floor by mistake and the dog will chew it. If you have that kind of money to blow and you want hours of laughter, not just minutes, treat yourself to The Three Stooges DVD. Pop one in your DVD player, kick back and say "Tickle me, Curly."

Tickle me faster.

Keep up the good work, Don, and stay focused.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes

Rocky — Thu, 19 Oct 2006 00:05:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,
Are Tom and Katie still in love?
Margaret Bailey
Ogden, UT

Rocky Responds:
Love is real, Margie, and if you open the door to your heart she will come in. But she'll never set down her car keys. Love is like an ice cream cone - enjoy it quickly before it gets all over your hands. They say fame is fleeting. Nonsense. Famous people become unimportant, but they stay famous. Fame is eternal, love is the fickle mistress.

So are Tom and Katie still in love? I hope so. I hope they gaze at each other and hear a choir of angels. I hope that they tingle when they're together, ache when they're apart. And I hope the magic lasts. But I've been around, Margie, and I know that on moonlit nights they lie awake. Through the rustling of the leaves one of them hears the tinkling of car keys while the other quietly gets up to wash his or her hands.

Keep up the good work and stay focused.

"Dammit, Maverick, he's got missile lock on me."

300 Million Americans

Rocky — Tue, 17 Oct 2006 19:14:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,
I read that we now have 300 million Americans and I'm not sure how to react. Is this good news or bad news?
Dale Atchity
Solvang, CA

Rocky Responds:
I've been getting this question a lot, Dale, and I've been telling people that it depends. Some days it seems like we're all on the same highway and I swear that 250 million of you are assholes. Other days you're all in front of me at Trader Joe's and I worry that my buffalo patties are thawing out. But I'm an optimist, Dale, and to me more people means more chances to make new friends. And who among us can claim to have too many friends?

"So God created man in his own image.." Genesis 1:27

Stay focused, Dale, and keep up the good work.

Shopping Carts

Rocky — Tue, 17 Oct 2006 04:59:00 GMT

Hello Rocky,
I can't go to the supermarket anymore without seeing two or three people pulling their shopping carts instead of pushing them.   I think that it looks gay. Who started this trend and what is the point?
Joel Osterman
Seattle, WA

Rocky Responds:
   First off, Joel, your derisive use of the word "gay" is inappropriate, regardless of how dainty a man looks while limp-wristedly pulling a shopping cart.   But your observation is accurate: more and more people are pulling their carts to the annoyance of other shoppers. They are hard to pass by since they tend to be off to one side of the cart as they pull. Their carts tend to get sideways as well, creating an even wider obstacle.

     This trend is actually a byproduct of cellphone usage in the grocery store. Many people find it hard to keep their cart straight when pushing with just one hand. Initially, they got around this by nudging the cart along with their hips. But as the baby boomers age they are losing dexterity, including the ability to thrust with their hips for long periods of time. Rather than hang up the phone, people are figuring out that they can step out in front and pull the cart with their one free hand. In doing so they also discovered that pulling uses less energy than pushing (which is why Strongest Man contestants are always pulling the bus, not pushing). That discovery is why some of these jackasses continue to pull even when they are not on the phone.
    What can be done? In the short run, not much. You're dealing with a demographic with a bloated sense of entitlement that manifests itself in the spazziest of ways. Maybe the ongoing migration to hands-free technology will help, but I doubt it.   What you might want to do, just for kicks, is see what kind of items you can drop into their carts without them noticing.

    Stay focused, Joel, and keep up the good work.